"I have a few DVDs. No, really, I do." That's part of my sig file over at the B-Movie Message Board. Each sentence is a link to a different DVD cataloging site, the DVD Profiler listing (one long list) and DVD Aficianado (which has the nifty feature of defining your own categories). As of this writing, "a few" is 673. Have I watched them all? Oh, hell no. So when smokeyxdigger, one of the regulars at the BMMB, mentioned he was in a similar situation, and was therefore working his way through his collection in alphabetical order to watch his neglected discs, I thought, "Hm. That's a good idea." But Contrarian that I am, I decided that if I were to do it, it would be in reverse order. And so begins both an odd journey in one man's collecting habits and an experiment in organized randomness.

SEEN & SKIPPED: You Only Live Twice, Yes, Madam!, & Yellow Submarine.

Well, I eventually I had to hit one that I liked, right?

This is one of those movies that you will instantly understand why I own it, or be puzzled by that fact. If you don't understand the normal Guy Reason why I own it, here's is a simple, pragmatic reason: You can blame BlockWood Video stores.

Yep, these days when you walk into a BlockWood, you'll notice that those "2 for $20 Previously Viewed Video" sales are a permanent function. They used to happen every so often, but the cardtables the discs used to be stacked upon have been replaced by semi-permanent shelf units. In that time not so long ago, though, you lived for that occasional "3 for $25" sales. The sport in those was finding three discs that you wanted. Usually, the good pickin's stopped at two, and unwilling to pay the full fifteen bucks per disc on the ones you wanted, you starting eying stuff like Death Mask or 8 Crazy Nights. That's pretty much how xXx got into my house. It's also how Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever sneaked in. Ballistic is one of those movies that should be hounded through the city streets by a mob equipped with torches, hot tar, and those rake things you only see in Frankenstein movies. In my perfect little world, the mob would get extra points for wearing lederhosen.

Um. Wasn't I supposed to be talking about xXx? But then, really, what is there to say? If you were anywhere near a movie theatre in the summer of 2002, you saw the trailer, it tells you all you need to know. Vin Diesel is Xander Cage, an X-TREEEME outlaw sports type with a bit of a Robin Hood complex. He's recruited by NSA spook Samuel L. Jackson to infiltrate and eventually take down a crime ring operating in Prague that calls itself Anarchy 99.

What the trailer doesn't tell you, what I had to learn by watching it: This is the best damn James Bond movie I've seen in years.

Anarchy 99, you see, is using its ill-gotten gains to finance a doomsday machine, and though Cage's original mission is simply to gather intelligence, he nonetheless finds himself in increasingly dangerous situations, all of which can be conquered by the adroit use of X-TREEEME sports like skateboarding, skydiving, and parasailing. Bond tried a little of that in Die Another Day, but did anyone buy it? No, but put a musclebound tattooed goon in the same situation, and you have instant buy-in, and box office gold. Either that, or a multi-million dollar version of Gymkata.

xXx takes a swipe at Bond right at the top, too, as a secret agent bushwacks a courier, steals a computer chip off him, then doffs his ninja suit to reveal a tuxedo underneath - surely a nod to the opening scene of Goldfinger. But then, pursued by the bad guys, the agent ducks into a nearby rave (and if there is anything we have learned from this movie and Blade II, it's that there are raves constantly going on in Prague), where his formal dress insures he sticks out like a sore thumb, an easy target for a sniper's bullet.

There's even a nerdish Q to supply Cage with plot-specific weapons and gadgets. Of course, there is a weapons-laden vehicle, but being X-TREEEME, it's a vintage GTO, not a BMW. I'm telling you, this is the first successfully done Bond movie of the new millennium. Much as I love the tales of Sir James, the schtick is growing increasingly hard to retrofit to a cyberterror world. Brosnan's Bond has slept with the enemy in his last two pictures. Could we point up that we've run out of ideas any more blatantly?

Director Rob Cohen is also having fun with his set-ups. There are the inevitable "test" sequences, to make sure Cage is The Man. After one such test which was patently fake, Cage thinks his dumping into and capture by,a Columbian cocaine farm is similarly a fake. When the gang's boss arrives, and it's Danny Trejo, you cannot help but laugh, just like Cage. Even though the audience is certain Cage is in very real, and very deep trouble, the fact that it's the scowling Trejo that throws open the door is enough to make you doubt it, for just a moment.

Since she's smoldering at us from the cover, I should mention xXx's Bond Babe, Asia Argento, all growed up and lookin' fahn (though I think she'd look fahn-er if she'd eat a sandwich occasionally, but that may just be me). It's nice to see her not being abused in one of daddy's movies, and she does well as the Smokey-Eyed Dame With A Few Secrets.

Gone all this way without talking about the star, haven't I? Though that's usually a sign of trouble, I like Diesel in the role. I don't find him ideally charismatic as a lead, but he has good presence and fits the role of an X-TREEEME secret agent very well. In fact, there's very little not to like about this guy, as he starts out altruistic and just gets more heroic as the story progresses. Early on, an NSA lackey wants to dump Cage for his "bad attitude", to which Jackson replies, "Oh, hell no. I love his attitude." Sure, who wouldn't? The guy is cocky, intelligent, quick-witted, confident, athletic... he probably couldn't taste a wine and tell you from which end of the vineyard the grapes were harvested, but he can drink an enormous Russian under the table. Who do you want protecting your freedom?

So yeah, as is my usual custom with movies I like, I'm not going to tell you much. If you haven't seen it yet, you deserve some surprises. I can happily recommend xXx for you adrenaline - or Bond - junkies, even if I think, at the right angle and with proper lighting, Vin Diesel looks like Adam Sandler. Or maybe because of that. I'm perverse that way.

We should also note that the inevitable sequel is in pre-production. Titled, for the moment, XXX: State of the Union, it appears that Jackson will be returning, but Diesel will not. Instead, we'll be seeing Ice Cube in the title role. Director Cohen didn't seem to be too interested either, so instead we look to Lee Tamahori, last seen at the helm of... wait for it... Die Another Day.

Hell-o, 3 for $25 sale.

RATING:

X-TREEEME James Bond!

- June 27, 2004