Philosophy Ratings

There's a lot of us out there, I know. We're the ones that made books like The Golden Turkey Awards and The Psychotronic Video/Film Guide big sellers. We keep Sinister Cinema, Something Weird Video and John McCarty in business. We still stay awake far into the night, braving infomercials and phone sex ads to find that one little forgotten gem tucked away into the programming no man's land. We wonder why the hell WE didn't think of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Face it. We love crap.

There is no need to apologize for that. No need to feel guilty. The Bad Movie, in its finest form, represents the hopes and dreams and best intentions of someone which have gone horribly, horribly awry. This is the stuff of classical tragedy. Someone labored long, hard hours to make these films (and whatever else you may think, filmmaking is not fun), working 24-7 and selling their plasma to finish their babies, to bring them forth to an appreciative world, to simply entertain us.

Generally, we're entertained. But not the way they intended.

There was another web site called The Weekly Bad Movie Review, but Dan S. has gone to a bi-weekly schedule, and is now calling it the B-Movie Horror Review. What's the difference? I don't know. Just follow the link and enjoy what was my primary inspiration. Unlike Dan, I'm going to try to shy away from the more popular crap... Dan's already reviewed ANACONDA and SCREAM, and those gawdawful LEPRECHAUN flicks (and survived, sanity apparently intact). Enough has been written about the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET movies and their kin to choke a server's horse. I want to delve into the aging videotape bin and pull out a few nuggets from the past. I can't always guarantee that what I write about will be easily available at your local Blockbuster; but if you're a true Bad Horror Movie Fan, the thrill of the chase is a vital part of the experience. My links page should have a few video merchants who may be able to help you out, and the redoubtable Amazon.com always stands ready to serve.

Here is my yardstick: The first Golden Turkey Awards declared PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE The Worst Movie Ever Made. This is, of course, bullsh*t. The worst movie you are ever going to see will be merely boring. And PLAN 9 is most definitely not boring.

About the Ratings

I had been doing my film ratings on a sort of touchy-feely basis: well, that one felt like three sigs, or that one felt like one - very confusing, especially when I found that I had given Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster ****, the technically superior Atragon only **, and the mind-blowingly cheesy Inframan the full *****. So, to take my ratings system out of the intuitive realm: The first rating (hereafter referred to as Tors) represents my enjoyment watching the film. No technical concerns, no film-school references, just how much fun was involved:

= Negative fun involved. Sucks enjoyment out of next twenty-four hours.

= Minimal fun. Some entertainment value.

= Some fun to be had. Not a bad time.

= Teetering on the brink of greatness. A good time.

= The Fun Motherlode. A Must-Have, Double-Bag Item.

There is one rating below the single Tor. You'll know it when you see it. As of this revision (6/7/98), I've only had to use it four times. God willing, I shan't have to use it again.

Then again, I may have to change the whole setup in a week or so. Isn't being at the whim of a demented madman fun?

This page will be updated late every Sunday night, with luck. Of course, how many times have we heard this? Okay, I'll at least try to make an entertaining excuse. Be patient. Feel free to mail me with suggestions. Realize I may ignore them. And that I'll keep doing this page until it's not fun anymore. Now turn out the lights, and join me in a bowl of popcorn.