Of all the mysteries of the universe
one can ponder, the one I keep returning to is: how does Ted V.
Mikels keep making movies?
Actually, the answer to that is probably
quite simple, especially for a Mystery of the Universe: Mikels likely
knows how to hustle the seed money, and hands the investors back
their money on the other end, possibly with a bit of a profit. This
is the only way crapmeisters with lengthy careers could possibly
manage their longevity.
Add to that the fact Mikels seems a very
charming gentleman, sort of like that oddball uncle that nobody
in the family talks about much, but you always look forward to his
visits, because he's so damn interesting. Had Mikels gone
into the medicine show business rather than movie-making, we'd all
have bottles of Snake Oil in our pantries.
That explains the how but not
the why. And after viewing Corpse Grinders 2, that
why echoing in my head has increased in volume. So much so
that it has almost drowned out the theme song for Ghoul-A-Go-Go,
which took up residence in my skull quite some time ago.
If you've been following crap cinema
for any length of time, you're doubtless familiar with the original
Corpse Grinders. Despite its infamous reputation, there
just isn't much there to recommend it; two losers running the Lotus
Cat Food company start putting cadavers through the meat grinder
to cut overhead and maximize profits. The resulting cat chow is
hugely successful, but it leaves kitties with a taste for human
flesh, which they start indulging by killing and eating their masters.
Though a case could made that this is a scathing satire on corporate
culture, that case would instantly be thrown out of Movie Court
because The Corpse Grinders has about as much smarts as a
pithed frog. There's some intrigue and conflict with the corpse
suppliers, who are a seedy graveyard caretaker and his plush animal-loving
wife, but gaaaaaah.
Like most Mikels movies, it is competently
enough made (unlike some
directors, Mikels can keep his night and day shots straight)
but it just does not possess the spark that draws the viewer's interest.
It should engage you on some level – the bad
guys are running people through a meat grinder, for pete's sake…
but nope, nuh-uh, no way, no how. Everything is covered with a thick
veneer of boredom. I tried to stay awake during a showing of this
at B-Fest, thinking it fine riff material, but no go – the
Sandman took pity on me and hit me upside the head with his bag
o'sand™. I should own a copy just for sleepless nights.
None of which explains why I subjected
myself to its sequel. I had been sleeping quite well, after all.
Perhaps, after asserting in my Naked
Witch review that I would gladly watch a Larry Buchanan
movie before I would watch another Ted V. Mikels movie, I felt the
need to test that out. If that was the case, then I have to report
that it's more of a draw than I had thought. Maybe I should have
used Albert Pyun as my nadir instead.
First,
be aware that Corpse Grinders 2 is shot on video, which is
one way to make sure the investors get their money back. (Though
I'm not really sure if you can then say "A Ted V. Mikels Film".
Which they do anyway) Second, be aware that although it is shot
on video, Mikels decided to start the movie by ripping off Star
Wars. Yes, there's the Flash Gordon exposition crawl, backed
by spacy computer graphics. Despite the fact that the camera zooms
into what is unquestionably South America, we are told we are on
the planet Ceta, where the Cat People are losing their war with
the Bad Halloween Mask People. Oh, I'm sorry, those are the Dog
People.
A space battle is presented with home-grown
computer graphics and fighter cockpits constructed from found materials.
This is the sort of thing that makes Battle Beyond the Stars
compare favorably with its inspiration, and makes you miss the sheer
professionalism of the FX men on Starcrash.
Apparently scenes involving the Cat People running from marauding
dinosaurs was deemed too fake-looking for inclusion, so start that
list of your blessings to count now and avoid the rush.
Well,
beyond the Dog People and the Dinosaur Puppets, the Cat People are
having trouble raising food, so they decide to go to Earth to get
some. Food, that is. Incidentally, we know they are Cat People because
they have enormous furry ears sticking out of their hats. Frankly,
this makes them look more like the Jackass People, but if we start
picking nits now, we're going to be here all night. Gene Paul Jones,
who plays Borath, the leader of the Cat People, delivers his lines
with such solemn, deadpan seriousness that I can only assume that
they never let him look in a mirror or see any of the takes.
The Cat People also live in a nice split-level
ranch house with what appears to be colonial-style hickory furniture
and buddha statues. If you ever made a movie in your living room
with a camcorder and a bunch of friends goofing around, it looked
like this movie. You keep expecting the Internet celebrity known
as "The Star Wars Kid" to flail through, swinging his double-bladed
light saber and knocking over some furniture. No wait, that would
actually be entertaining.
So
the three Cat People that have actually been given names (and costumes
besides T-shirts with cat heads on them) climb into their spaceship
(the interior of which looks suspiciously like a planetarium, hmmmmmm…)
and head to Earth to get some food, which will magically solve all
their problems. Maybe the Dog People are just looking for a handout,
too.
Well, let's ignore that plot line for
a while (mercifully, the movie will, too). The nephews of the original
owners of Lotus Cat Food, Landau and Maltby (Sean Morelli and Andy
Freeman) have opened the old place up, and for some reason the
corpse grinding machine is still there, and requires only minimal
maintenance to be up and running again.
Corpse Grinders 2 runs a full
half-hour longer than its predecessor, and the older film
looks positively lean and mean in comparison. Much time is taken
with the nephews setting things back up, hiring lowlifes to work
in the manufacturing plant, recruiting yet another gravekeeper and
his out-to-lunch wife (again named Caleb and Cleo and played by
Chuck Alford and none other than Liz Renay), and there's much more
corpse-grinding. This time I'm pleased to note that they took care
of that little detail about the original corpse-grinding machine
that always bothered me: the cadavers went in wearing underwear,
but
there was never any cloth apparent in the hamburger that came out
the other end.
Mikels himself plays "Professor Mikoff",
an astronomer who sees the Cat People's budget-concious spaceship
land; he also immediately runs afoul of a government agency that
fronts the Men In Black (and is in charge of providing the worst
acting in the movie - who says the gummint can't do anything right?).
The Cat People decide that they like Lotus Cat Food (after sampling
it at a supermarket – and look who's handing out the samples
- it's Dolores Fuller!) , and manage to convince this agency to
buy them 400 cases of the stuff to ship back to Ceta. This leads
to some interesting complications for Landau and Maltby, who were
already having trouble keeping up with demand for their cadaverous
kitty kibble. But, thank the Gods, the end of the movie is approaching,
and they manage somehow; in the coda, Mikoff hitches a ride with
the Cat People to Ceta, a listless ending for a listless movie.
What's left unsaid in this whole intergalactic trade deal is the
secret ingredient of the cat food. Once that's discovered, Mikoff
is going to find himself on the buffet table.
The
movie's a puzzler. There are some good bits, here and there, like
Landau and Maltby trying to convince a local undertaker to use their
new Pork and Chicken-flavored embalming fluids. Several times, Mikels
emulates plot elements from the first movie, only to provide a bit
of a surprise with different outcomes, which is at least an interesting
way to handle your padding. But remember the old plot, with cats
going crazy for human flesh? Hardly even referenced here. No doubt
PETA threatened legal action if Mikels dared to spray stage blood
over a single kitty. Not to mention hurling them at actors from
off-camera. Overall, the picture's a big mess, with a huge, largely
sub-amateur cast of characters in a very loose collection of subplots.
Many of the major roles are quite well-acted, with Morelli and Freeman,
appropriately, the stand-outs - but the lower tiers are filled with
the sort of performances that would not be tolerated in a community
theater.
Mikels said that this is one of his few
films that actually had a finished script before it started shooting;
if true, it was a first draft that needed considerable tightening.
We're never sure how many people know the exact nature of Lotus
Cat Food; some seem in on the secret, but when a workman stumbles
into the corpse-grinding room, he winds up the next guy in a can.
This is the kind of movie that will have
you saying "No one will be seated 
during
the riveting grant application scene!" "THRILL to the languid
note-leaving scene!" "We dare you to keep your eyes open
during the horrifying box-loading scene!" Padding is a given
in movies like this, but what the high holy hell was up with Mikoff
journeying to a university to apply for a grant to research cannibalism
when he knows he's going to jump on a UFO is so far beyond
me, I think the actual point landed somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico,
and sank without a trace.
I cannot recommend this to even hardened
crap cineastes. But I know some of you are going to seek
this out, nonetheless. You know who you are. I just want you to
remember: I warned you. No refund will be given for time wasted
on watching Corpse Grinders 2.
But there is also one other thing to
consider: Mikels has also said throughout his career that he loves
making movies. I have to admit, the man is doing what he loves,
and no matter how much I may dislike the result… damn it, I cannot argue with that.
