Things we learned from watching the Oscars in 2003

By Scott Hamilton and Christopher Holland

To win a Best Supporting Actor Oscar, it really helps to be an old white guy.

If you want to win a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, play someone's mother, or a hooker, or, if at all possible, both.

If you want to see what Jennifer Aniston will look like in twenty years, check out Barbra Streisand.

In the world's most twisted version of The Brady Bunch, Steve Martin is Alice.

Judging solely from the amount of clothing she wore, Jennifer Lopez must have some disfiguring skin condition.

Brendan Frasier is probably an android. Doesn't this guy ever blink?

There really is a Gay Mafia.

At the Oscars, even the geeks get the hot chicks. Sort of.

The secret is out: if you want to plant one on Halle Berry, all you have to do is win an Oscar for Best Actor. Piece o' cake!

Based on the pictures below, we feel certain that the Academy Awards ceremony has never, ever included a tasteful musical number.