B-Fest 2006 Primer, Part 1

That magical event known as B-Fest is just around the corner, and while most folks write diaries after the fact, I figured I'd have some fun previewing the films in this year's lineup. There's been a bit of disappointment among some of the "hard core" B-Festers about the fact that the films are skewing towards the newer and newer. I've gone on about the reasons for this elsewhere, but suffice it to say that B-Fest is a celluloid-only event, and the film prints of older movies are becoming scarce. Until B-Fest embraces video projection (which, according to some folks at A&O Productions, may not be that far off), we going to be learning to love the 80's a little bit more in our annual festival of cinematic cheese.

Though I too adore the Golden Age of science fiction that was the '50s and '60s, I find that the more modern lineup means that there are fewer of the films at this year's B-Fest that I've actually seen. When those movies were actually coming out, I was more likely to be found watching Elvira's Movie Macabre or Spectreman on UHF TV than in the movie theater. (Go ahead, ask me about The Godsend, but it wasn't until the 21st Century that I actually sat through Pretty in Pink.) So now I have the added bonus of watching a nice handful of movies for the first time at B-Fest, which is always a treat.

And speaking of treats, let's match each movie up with its ideal B-Fest snack food -- just for kicks.

Creature from the Black Lagoon in 3-D: That's right, people -- three-effin'-dee, with cardboard glasses and everything. I loved the snapshots that came out of the last B-Fest with a 3-D screening (I'm pretty sure that was B-Fest 2000), and I'm looking forward to this one too. Creature itself is not what you'd call bad by B-Fest standards, but it definitely fits with the original mold of a "Science Fiction, Horror, and B-Movie Festival." It's doubly appropriate in light of the fact that Universal has announced that this summer they'll be shooting a remake. (Insert bitching and moaning from Universal horror buffs here.) If you've never seen Creature before, you're in for a treat -- not only is it a technically ambitious film for its time, but it's also full of charming dialogue ("We didn't come here to fight monsters, we're not equipped for it!") and, under the right circumstances, even the occasional moment of genuine fright.

Recommended snack food: watching a 3-D movie with cardboard glasses demands a bucket of popcorn to complete the experience.

Earth Girls are Easy: This is the first of several cheesy '80s musicals we'll see this year. It's an energetic palate-cleanser of a flick, replete with the things that make B-Festers howl: nascent celebs (Geena Davis, Julie Brown, Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans, and Jeff Goldblum), primary-colored costumes, lavish musical numbers, and the airiest of love triangle plots, all slopped together by the director of such music videos as "Come On, Eileen." If you can't have fun smacking this movie around, B-Fest is wasted on you. Surrender your ticket now.

Recommended snack food: Jello Pudding Pops, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, Fruit Roll-Ups.

Mystery Short: You never know what will be dredged up in the mystery short slots. (Hence the mystery.) Will it be that fan-favorite baroque dwarf cage match known as Gavotte? Something with talking animals? Your great-grandfather's idea of pornography? One thing's for sure: the much-loved and long-despised What is Communism? seems to be lost to the ages.

King Kong (1933): This year's most controversial entry in that King Kong is hardly a bad movie. As with Creature From the Black Lagoon, however, it is in keeping with the Fest's original mission. And honestly, with Peter Jackson's remake just out, are you really going to complain about the chance to see this on the big screen?

The plot? Oh come on, really? All right - cavalier movie producer Carl Denham (Robert Armstrong) drags lovely Ann Darrow (Fay Wray) to a remote jungle island to make a nature adventure flick, but they both get more than they expected when it turns out the island is home to a giant ape named Kong. Kong doesn't fare so well either.

Recommended snack food: Gorilla bread.

The Wizard of Speed and Time: Just to clarify, this B-Fest tradition involves the short musical film by Mike Jittlov, not the feature-length film of the same name by the same director. Parts of the short film can be seen in the longer movie, but the short in its entirety with hordes of stomping apprentice Wizards can only be seen at B-Fest!

Plan 9 From Outer Space: The classic Ed Wood opus with vampires, aliens, and zombies. (Oh my!) Despite the chronic billing of Plan 9 as the worst movie ever made, this is actually Wood's best and most entertaining picture. Audience participation features at B-Fest include the raging debate over wicker vs. rattan, spot the not-Bela, and the hurling of paper plates into the eye of someone across the theater. No Chinette, please.

Recommended snack food: Chee-tos on a paper plate.

In the next entry: the Queen of Blaxploitation, Roger Corman's last AIP film, and Troma does the Bard.