Monday, March 31, 2003

Things we learned from watching the Oscars in 2003

By Scott Hamilton and Christopher Holland

To win a Best Supporting Actor Oscar, it really helps to be an old white guy.

If you want to win a Best Supporting Actress Oscar, play someone's mother, or a hooker, or, if at all possible, both.

If you want to see what Jennifer Aniston will look like in twenty years, check out Barbra Streisand.

In the world's most twisted version of The Brady Bunch, Steve Martin is Alice.


Judging solely from the amount of clothing she wore, Jennifer Lopez must have some disfiguring skin condition.


Brendan Frasier is probably an android. Doesn't this guy ever blink?


There really is a Gay Mafia.


At the Oscars, even the geeks get the hot chicks. Sort of.


The secret is out: if you want to plant one on Halle Berry, all you have to do is win an Oscar for Best Actor. Piece o' cake!

Based on the pictures below, we feel certain that the Academy Awards ceremony has never, ever included a tasteful musical number.

Friday, March 28, 2003

Fat Albert was never like this

At the restaurant where I had lunch with my co-workers today, there was a TV playing Bill Cosby's animated show for kids, Little Bill. The sound was off so I couldn't really tell what was going on, but I was struck by how the show, in its visual style and cast of characters, is extremely similar to South Park. I think it was the image of the long yellow schoolbus pulling up in front of a generic school building -- the comparisons in my head began to click. It didn't take long before I was amusing myself with my own filthy dialogue for Cosby's band of innocents. I'm afraid my lunchtime companions weren't as amused.

Speaking of South Park, that show just becomes more daring -- and better written -- with each episode that passes. Apparently the viewership of the half-hour animated series has dropped from its initial four million to 2.6 million, but it's still Comedy Central's highest-rated show. What does it say that, of U.S. television's three most controversial and topical -- not to mention funniest -- shows (South Park, The Simpsons, and The Daily Show), two of them are animated? Guess we 'Mericans just love our cartoons.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

Why I love Survivor Amazon

Jenna: I would take my clothes off for some chocolate and peanut butter.

Rob: (urgently) Get the girl some chocolate and peanut butter, Probst.

Damn if that sonuvabitch didn't produce.

Post-death experiences

At last, this season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer is starting to make some progress, plot-wise. I’d long been feeling disappointed by this season, as it just seemed to drone on and on without much in the way of story or character development. At least, not nearly as much as we’re used to in the Buffyverse, but I guess it’s still been a lot when you compare it to most other TV shows.

But, now, hey hey, it’s getting good. As we know from Angel (a series with its own set of problems this season, but that’s another entry), Faith is about to return to Sunnydale. This should make for some interesting sparks, since the Scooby gang hasn’t seen her since before she “reformed.” Spike looks as though he just might return to his former badassedness, and hey! was Buffy right about something for once in her life? Her decision to let Spike live — reasoning that while he might be a danger to others, when the chips are down he’ll probably fight on her side — goes against everything her friends are telling her, but in the upcoming “war,” it may just pay off.

My fervent hope is that the Buffy creative team really burns some bridges as the series draws to a close. This is a series that really needs to go out with a bang, and that means killing people off. There have been hints all season that Dawn is in serious danger; viewer predictions that she might be a potential Slayer have proven false, and further hints that Buffy won’t be around to rescue Dawn in her hour of need have been repeated all season long. Simply killing off Dawn would be a bit of a shocker, but if this truly is war, then some serious casualties are in order. ( And please, everyone, let's keep in mind that I'm talking about a fictional television series here. ) Series creator Joss Whedon has never been known to flinch from killing off characters to serve the story, so don’t be surprised if the Scoobies suffer some heavy losses. Of course, sometimes the dead characters get more screen time than the living, so it’s all good.

. . .

Speaking of death, can someone please tell me what happened to Nate Fisher Jr? Six Feet Under took a serious turn for the weird when Nate (Peter Krause) apparently recovered from his risky brain surgery none the worse for wear and we started the season some months later, with Nate married to Lisa (Lili Taylor), the former girlfriend with whom Nate had a one-night stand that resulted in a new addition to the show’s cast, baby Maya. Brenda (Rachel Griffiths, who returns in next week’s episode) is apparently out of the picture, and as married life takes its toll, Nate just gets dowdier and dowdier. His clothes are always a mess, and his hair looks like it has squirrels nesting in it. Neurotic Lisa henpecks him episode after episode, and if she asks him to go to Whole Foods for her one more time, I’m going to go burn down a produce stand. If ever there was a sequence of events that made me pine for a scene in which a TV character wakes up in bed to say “It was only a dream,” this is it.

Let’s hope they can work Suzanne Pleshette into that episode.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Living in Michael Moore's Fictitious Times

If you’re the kind of person likely to be reading this column, you probably saw last night’s Oscar ceremonies. Therefore you probably also saw Michael Moore’s, uh, “acceptance speech” when Bowling for Columbine won the award for Best Documentary Film. I won’t go into the details except to reprint the Associated Press account of what he said:

“We live in fictitious times. We live in the time where we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man who's sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it's the fiction of duct tape or the fiction of orange alerts, We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush. Shame on you," Moore shouted, surrounded onstage by his fellow nominees in a show of solidarity.

Back in 1989, Michael Moore made a superb documentary film called Roger & Me, which detailed the economic decline of his hometown of Flint, Michigan. Flint was the bedroom community for the factories of General Motors, and when GM closed most of the plants near the town to use cheaper labor in Mexico, Flint suffered miserably. Moore pursued then-GM Chairman Roger Smith in an ultimately futile attempt to ask Smith why he was closing the plants and robbing his fellow GM employees of their livelihoods. If you haven’t seen it, you should: it’s wry and touching, and reveals Moore as a brilliantly funny and compassionate person.

In the years since, I have followed Moore’s career with enthusiasm: first, he made a PBS-aired sequel to Roger & Me called Pets or Meat: The Return to Flint, followed by a bit of misstep with the fictional comedy Canadian Bacon. Then, Moore seemed to find his calling with a television series called TV Nation, and later another series called The Awful Truth, and a second feature documentary, The Big One. All of these focused on what Moore does best: exposing the hypocrisies of popular and corporate American culture. Sometimes the material felt a bit recycled, but it was always good for a laugh, and even Moore himself was occasionally surprised by some of the results. One particularly memorable episode of TV Nation featured a Vice President of Ford Motors proving that he could do the job that he asked his employees to do by changing the oil in a Ford truck. An exec from IBM, by contrast, refused to meet Moore’s challenge to format a floppy disk.

Moore complemented his film and television work by writing books on similar subjects. These were full of much of the same humor, and did fairly well. (Stupid White Men... and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation was, according to the New York Times, the best-selling non-fiction book of 2002.) But I, like most Moore fans, was really waiting for the next film.

Bowling for Columbine is one heck of a movie. It’s an important film that asks a lot of crucial questions about the excessive gun violence in America and the causes for it. Moore makes unflinching use of some brutal footage to illustrate his point, most notoriously the security camera footage from the Columbine High School shootings in 1999. Everyone who watches it is provoked in some way. In a country with an extraordinary and seemingly inexplicable history of firearm violence that far outstrips every other country in the world, it is a movie that needed to be made.

The problem is, I’m not sure Michael Moore should have been the one to make it. Moore’s growing tendencies to inject himself into the story have changed his on-screen persona. No longer does he seem like an affable-yet-determined rebel filmmaker. Instead he comes off as a belligerent rabble-rouser with nothing better to do than harass celebrities who own fast-food chains. Granted, Moore did some actual good with his activities during the making of Bowling — K-Mart actually stopped stocking firearm ammunition in their stores, apparently as a result of a Moore-organized protest. I wonder, however, how much damage Moore has done to his own causes by resorting to underhanded interview tactics and rank sentimentalism.

To illustrate, let’s recall one of the final scenes in Bowling for Columbine. Moore sets up an interview with Charlton Heston, allegedly to speak with him about his career as president of the National Rifle Association. Arriving at Heston’s home, Moore pulls an NRA membership card from his pocket and shows it to the actor. The two proceed to have a conversation which quickly turns uncomfortable, at least for Heston. The filmmaker asks some very pointed questions about Heston’s theories about gun violence in America, and when it becomes clear that Moore’s opinions are anything but those of a typical card-carrying NRA member, Heston terminates the interview. Moore, who was asking for an apology from the NRA for holding rallies in Flint just days after a little girl was shot there, leaves a picture of the young victim behind. It’s an affecting bit of filmmaking, but clearly Heston was ambushed and Moore’s use of the girl’s face as an emotional tool is more than a little ghoulish.

I’m not sure why Moore’s comments on stage at the Oscars took me by surprise; his behavior over the last year has been more and more confrontational. (He even — allegedly — managed to alienate the workers at the London theater hosting his live show by verbally assaulting the entire staff during a dispute over his paycheck.) Clearly the press was eagerly awaiting Moore’s on-stage attack on Oscar night. But the hour was late, and the evening had been relatively quiet, politically speaking, so Moore’s performance as he accepted his statuette caught me off-guard.

Happy as I am to admit Moore's right to use his forty-five seconds of screen time as he did, I must also admit to some disappointment with what he did with those seconds. What could have been an argument that was as well-reasoned as it was inflammatory was instead a rant that bordered on name-calling. Continued expression of bitterness over the 2000 election results is surely beating the deadest of horses, and I have to wonder if Moore's fellow nominees knew exactly what Moore was going to say. (By the way, Mike, invoking the names of the Dixie Chicks in support of your cause didn't exactly do you any favors.) Moore's Academy Awards blowout didn't change any minds and merely gave his detractors more ammunition to use against him -- and those who share his opinions.

Even more disappointing is the fact that Moore allowed himself to be distracted from the movie that won him one of the world's most coveted trophies. The war on Iraq weighs heaviest in most of our minds these days, but when those troubles are over, we will still be left with the fact that Americans are at war with each other every day, using weapons as deadly as those wielded by any U.S. Marine or member of the Iraqi Army. Pointing that out even during wartime, and thanking those people who helped make Bowling for Columbine possible, could have proved that Michael Moore is a class act. Instead, the man who has appointed himself as the arch-nemesis of President George W. Bush will presumably rouse more rabble in his next film. The working title: Fahrenheit 9/11: The Temperature at Which Freedom Burns.

(As a quick aside – I didn't intend for my first Blue Glow entry to be this political and serious, but that's the way the timing worked out. Frivolous entries on the way soon, I promise. -CH)