Every now and then a product comes along that is so innovative, so noteworthy, and so profitable that we completely ignore any apostrophes it might have in its name. Luckily we caught a late night showing of a program called Worldwide Health and Beauty Discoveries, which showcased just such a product. This show is on a lot, so we figure it must be pretty popular. The episode we saw featured that inspirational, revolutionary, and highly personal product called Nads.
Worldwide Health and Beauty Discoveries is hosted by one Denise Krueger. According to the introductory narration she is a "world traveler, deep sea diver, amateur diva, and koala cuddler." Lest this sound like an unimpressive resume, keep in mind it's much more impressive than Connie Chung's, which only includes professional broadcast journalism and cuddling Maury Povitch.
Nads, we are told, was invented in Australia because of a "Mother's love for her daughter." It seems that young Natalie Ismiel had "an unwanted hair problem." Ismiel's mother, Sue, was desperate to find something to help her daughter, because of the "sadness in her eyes because of the unwanted hair problem." How bad was this problem? Well, even after trying every depilatory product on the market, poor Natalie still looked like this:
That's when Sue Ismiel, mother to Naomi, Natalie, and Nadine, decided that her motherly duties extended far beyond giving all of her daughters names that begin with "n." According to Sue's oldest daughter Naomi, "My mum decided to become a mad scientist and develop something." Apparently Sue's strategy was to mix random household substances together to see if the combination would remove hair. A similar process is used to create mixed drinks. The difference, however, is that Sue tested her concotions on her own children. So later in the program, when a big deal is made out of the fact that Nads is not tested on animals, keep in mind that they did human testing first. Besides, isn't it illegal to test your Nads on animals? Even in Australia?
The upshot of this "test it on your own kin" process is that Sue can assure us that Nads is an "all-natural product" so it's even safe to eat! Sure, this glibly redefines the phrase "all-natural" to mean "non-poisonous," but when was the last time you found something poisonous in nature? We're pretty sure that stuff they call "poison ivy" was bred by government agents, and "poisonous snakes" are almost certainly the result of evil genetic experiments. This line of reasoning is so compelling that we're going to make sure that everything we want to consume is "all-natural" from now on. Hey, that Snickers bar over there looks all-natural. And those are all-natural French fries, right?
Before we go too much further in this review, let's talk about Nads and how it works for women everywhere. After all, there must be a reason that "the Aussies have gone mad for Nads."
This non-toxic, all-natural, meat-free, animal-untested, genetically-pure, feminist-friendly, dolphin-safe product is a green goo. Simply apply it to an area of skin that you wish to be hair-free, place a piece of cloth over the goo, and rub three times vigorously. Then, holding the skin taut, yank the cloth quickly away from the skin in one sharp motion. The result should be a loud scream of excruciating pain.
When you peel yourself off the ceiling, you will also notice that, as a happy by-product of this self-torture, the hairs have been removed from the patch of skin. Sure, you'll have to repeat the process innumerable times over a period of years until you finally kill your hair follicles and the hair stops growing, but isn't it worth the trouble to have perfectly smooth, hairless skin, as God obviously intended for you to have?
The first segment of the show is dedicated to interviews with various members of the Ismiel family, during which we learn that Nads was named after daughter Nadine, not after daughter Natalie for whom it was developed! Like the audience, the cameraman seems to be profoundly bored with all this: the camera drifts and wanders, sometimes threatening to lose people from the frame altogether. "Hey, is that a wallaby over there? I'm sorry, what were you talking about again?"
We are then assured that Nads' introduction into the US was "the most successful product launch in its category." We assume that category was "health care products with hilarious names." Or perhaps "products that slowly kill your hair follicles while providing hours of entertainment for the men in your family." Or even "products developed for one child, but named after another, because the other child was the mother's real favorite all along she just developed the product for the ailing daughter because she was tired of having a freak in the family."
Nads! Used worldwide by:
We see several demonstrations of Sue's Nads being used on various women. This is great, because we usually have to cram into a small booth and pay 25 cents to see stuff like that. This footage is actually from the demo video that comes with the product, called "How to get great results with Nads." Because the producers of Worldwide Health and Beauty Discoveries want to maintain the illusion that this was a legitimate TV show, they splice in little comments and affirmations ("Mmm-hmm." "Right." "Wow!") from Denise every time Sue stops for breath. It's a piteous, transparent attempt at legitimacy. Oh Denise, if you'll stop pretending you were even on the same continent as these people, we'll stop pretending that the word "nads" doesn't send us into juvenile hysterics every time we hear it.
Yes, it's a childish little pun, but we never tire of it. Upon hearing our initial jokes, our friend Niki commented sardonically that it was a "ten-year old boy thing." Yes, we replied, but it is an hilarious ten-year old boy thing, and if you think we're going to stop mentioning the product's name at every incongruous juncture, you might as well quit reading now.
According to the show, "[Sue's] entire family works to produce Nads," and "[Sue's mother is] still out there selling Nads like hotcakes." Later, we are advised to "pamper ourselves with Nads," because we can "save loads of time and money with Nads." In a pathetic bid for attention from other countries, we are assured that "England has named Nads the winner." Perhaps most convincing was the "dramatic sucess story of an Australian woman who couldn't solve her problem until she discovered Nads." Nads. Is there anything they can't do?