The Lonely Lady
Our rating: one lava lamp.
The Lonely Lady breaks all of the rules of good filmmaking. It's based on a novel by Harold Robbins, it stars Pia Zadora, and it's about Hollywood. These three elements, in combination, have been known to kill small dogs. Utterly predictable and painful, this is a truly bad film.
We had a friend over the night we watched The Lonely Lady. Afterwards, she turned to us and said, "You know, I thought I knew what a bad film was, but this... I didn't know movies like this could exist!" We couldn't agree more.
In essence, The Lonely Lady is the film that Showgirls was based on, except that it shows more of the leading lady's life, both before and after the essential material presented in Showgirls. And this is all crammed into 92 excruciating minutes.
Walter's rescue of Jerilee begins a friendship between the two, and before you know it, the two fall in love. (All together now: ewwwww!) They marry. Their marriage falls apart when Jerilee's script rewrites actually improve one of Walter's screenplays and he feels one-upped. Jerilee then goes through affair after sordid affair in her attempt to write her own screenplay and get it produced.
It is a very telling thing that copies of the novel The Lonely Lady published after the film's release do NOT use stills from the film on the cover to promote the book. Many other books do this: Silence of the Lambs, and Jurassic Park, for example. The difference is that Silence of the Lambs and Jurassic Park were good films. The Lonely Lady is nothing to be proud of.
And on to the real pain this movie dishes out: Skanky sex scenes. Tons of 'em. A plethora. A google of them. It doesn't help that Jerilee seems to sleep with everyone in Hollywood, or that she's played by Pia Zadora. Or that she is supposed to be less than twenty years old. Every time she bumps uglies with some guy, something bad happens, like the producer who forces her to take drugs during the act. You would think she'd learn. (Actually, you would think we would learn to stop picking films like this, but we digress.)
This movie was made with so little art, it almost made us cry. The actors stink. Scenes that are unpleasant in ways we can't describe are thrown on the screen for us to... What? Enjoy? Why was this film made? Why did we rent it? At one point during the screening, we were rendered physically unable to speak, let alone operate a remote control in order to turn the damn thing off. Don't be like us. Run screaming from The Lonely Lady whenever you see its title.
Review date: 12/14/96
This review is © copyright 1996 Chris Holland & Scott Hamilton. Blah blah blah. Please don't claim that it's yours blah blah, but feel free to e-mail it to friends, or better yet, send them the URL. To reproduce this review in another form, please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Blah blah blah blah.