"If you were trapped inside a Super Nintendo, you'd start drinking too!"

A movie like TITanic 2000 (yes, they emphasize the first three letters of the word every time it's mentioned) would normally be beneath our notice, if you can believe that. But Nukie taught us that every film is worth our consideration, if only to warn our precious readers away from the ones that really, truly suck. Let us warn you now: TITanic 2000 really, truly sucks.

In our collective imagination, we can see how this film got made: someone at the prestigious Seduction Cinema studios (responsible for such thoughtful soft-core pornography as The Erotic Witch Project) thought that a parody of Titanic could be really funny. But when pressed to come up with actual jokes and a plot, fear turned them into popsicles and the producers were forced to rely on the old, faithful gimmicks of b-movies: breasts, vampires, and fart jokes.

Thankfully, they hired Tina Krause to supply a goodly amount of the requisite nudity; Krause is a prolific T&A actress with natural curves and no inhibition at all, so she fits the bill quite nicely. There aren't quite as many nice things to say about Tammy Parks, the film's other source of bare skin, because Tammy doesn't have even Krause's meager acting skills and her breasts are fake. She does, however, play the film's vampire, a role that only requires a bit of striptease and the ability to lie still in a coffin. Let no one disparage her talent in doing the latter.

"This one's too smart, throw him back."

Around these ladies, the filmmakers placed a bunch of blockhead actors, who read their lines with varying degrees of awfulness. Granted, the things they are given to say are so moronic that it was probably difficult to find anyone who wasn't an idiot to say them, or perhaps the normal actors who began the film were brain-damaged by the time they finished reading the script. When the actors fail to carry off the meager humor provided by their dialogue, the sound effects crew is kind enough to insert a wide variety of crude body noises to keep the frat boys chuckling.

The story (which is much more developed than it should be) revolves around a new ship bearing the name Titanic -- excuse us, TITanic 2000. We see the exteriors of this ship in what can only be described as the lamest CGI this side of cable access. Trust us, even the original Pac-Man looks sophisticated in comparison. Once inside, we see equally lame CGI interiors that will make you regret the invention of blue-screen technology. And wandering around those computer-generated sets are the members of the cast, all of whom are far too dumb to realize that the real sinking ship here is the movie.

And the Academy Award for best special effects goes to...

Vladamina (Parks) is placed aboard the ship by her manservants, played by two guys with nothing better to do than haul a coffin around. We guess Eegor is based on the Bela Lugosi character of a similar name, but your guess is as good as ours as to who or what Mareem is supposed to be. Vladamina is looking for a woman to make into her vampire queen, with whom she will live in vampiric bliss for the rest of eternity. That woman (Krause) just happens to be the girlfriend of a bombed-out rock-n-roller (who looks kinda like Howard Stern), and luckily for our vampire, she has just about had it with said beau, who ignores her need for monkey love and even her sexy strip-tease at the foot of the bed. This strip-tease takes place in supposed to be a luxury cabin aboard the TITanic 2000, but like all such sets, you will recognize it for what it actually is: a cheap hotel room.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, Krause gets the opportunity to ape Kate Winslet's famous nude scene from Titanic. She looks good doing it, but it's a mere moment of voyeuristic pleasure surrounded by eighty minutes of pain. The discomfort reaches its climax when the ship begins to sink and the vampiress is finally able to convince her object of desire to give in and become one of the undead. We can see her reasoning: if the human race can produce a movie like this, we don't want to belong to it either.