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Welcome to the only semblance of purpose around here -- the film page! Featuring the only film commentary with the cleansing power of HOFF! What is Hoff, you ask? Well, when you think of celebrities, perhaps you think of the big name actors like Robert DeNiro or Brad Pitt. Or maybe you think of rock superstars like Paula Abdul, or maybe even Hootie and the Blowfish. All in all, these particular celebrities are big names in their respective fields, BUT - there is another plateau of which few have risen to. David Hasselhoff has delved into the competitive worlds of both acting and singing, and has consistently emerged triumphant. Especially in Germany. Hasselhoff, or "Hoff," as they say in "The Biz," epitomizes what it means to be a celebrity mega-star. So, how does one harness the raw power of Hoff and put it to practical use? Well, after my sometimes long-winded film reviews, I'll sum it all up using my patented Hoff-O-Meter (pronounced Hoff-Ah-Meh-Ter), which basically tells you exactly how much Hoff it would take to make the film being reviewed worthwhile. It breaks down like this:

   

Now keep in mind, just because a film requires Maximum-Hoff doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't see it. There are plenty of horrible movies which are, in turn, very entertaining to watch. But -- there are those atrocities that are not only bad, but commit the most heinous crime known to film -- being utterly unwatchable. You'll know when a movie is an exercise in sheer tedium when you see this Warning Flair:

     

 

Adventures in Babysitting (1987)
The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai (1984)  
American Ninja (1985) 
The Arena (1973)

Assault on Precinct 13
  Asylum of Terror (1998)
Axe (1974)  
Back to Back (1996)

 Baise-Moi (2000)
Bats (1999)
 Battle Beyond The Stars (1980)
The Black Hole (1979)
Black Werewolf (1974)

 Species (1995)
  Species II (1998)
The Stendhal Syndrome (1996)
   Street Wars (1992)

Swordfish (2001)
The Terror of Rome (1964)
Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)
The Vampire Lovers (1970)
Viva Knievel! (1977)

 Viva Las Vegas (1964)
Walking Tall (1973)
  Warlock Moon (1975)
   Warrior Queen (1987)
   Wes Craven Presents: Carnival of Souls (1998)