I thought I'd start this review off a little differently than normal by asking all of you a multiple choice question...

Which of the three sequels listed below is nothing but a desperate attempt for comic star, Martin Lawrence, to hold onto what little bit of celebrity he has left in the industry? Is it...

A: Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
B: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
C: Big Momma's House 2

If you chose C, not only are you right, but you're probably too smart to waste your time and your money on this unwanted and lame sequel.

Much like last week's Underworld: Evolution, I walked into this film with no knowledge of the previous entry. And believe me, I think I'll be fine going through life without the knowledge of what happens in Big Momma's House 1. Martin Lawrence plays FBI agent Malcolm Turner, and as the film opens, things are not going well. He's been stuck with a desk job, and is now forced to make public appearances at elementary schools as a safety mascot. His wife (Nia Long) is also very pregnant, and is pressuring him to make some changes in his life for his new role as family man, such as selling his beloved car for a minivan. When an agent friend of Malcolm's is killed while going undercover and investigating a computer hacker ring that plans to sell a disc containing all of the US government's secrets to our foreign enemies, Malcolm sees his chance to get back into the action game that he longs for.

It seems that one of the people involved in this ring is a family man, and said family has just placed an ad for a nanny to watch over the kids while the workaholic parents ignore them. Going against the wishes of his superiors at the FBI and his wife (he lies, and tells her he's going to a safety mascot convention), Malcolm dons his "Big Momma" disguise once more, and poses as an applicant for the nanny position so he can get some information on the father, and his role in the crime. While Malcolm initially thinks he can just blow the family off and concentrate on his private investigation, he quickly learns that this is one messed up family, and that they desperately need the guidance of his Big Momma personality. The parents are strict, overly orderly workaholics who schedule every single second of their family's day, the eldest child is a rebellious goth dating a "bad boy", middle daughter needs help with her dance routine for a cheerleading squad, and the youngest toddler son is apparently suicidal since he enjoys jumping from high ledges and falling on his face over and over repeatedly. Even the family dog is emotionally depressed after witnessing its mate dive into a wood chipper to fetch a ball. Malcolm will teach them how to be a family again, and they will supposedly teach him the importance of family, even though I have no idea how since he blows off his wife who is going to give birth any day to go undercover as Big Momma, but she forgives him anyway for no reason whatsoever.

Martin Lawrence seems to be trying to escape his raunchy image and turn himself into a second rate Eddie Murphy. If you're going to imitate Murphy's career, at least try to imitate the early years when he was actually funny. Lawrence seems to be dipping into the Dr. Dolittle/Daddy Day Care well for inspiration. For the life of me, I can't figure out the point of this movie. Is there really a big enough of an audience willing to pay to see Martin Lawrence in a fat suit not once, but twice? That seems to be the audience Fox is banking on, as that's what most of the film is based around. It's episodic structure follows the Big Momma character as "she" is dragged into one wacky situation after another. The plot and characters almost seem to be an afterthought, as subplots and characters are introduced only to be dropped completely or never seen from again. The movie doesn't even care about the main hacker plot, as the villains are scarcely seen except for the final climax. It's simply all an excuse to get Martin Lawrence back in that stupid and unconvincing fat suit.

I have to say, the very second "Big Momma" stepped onto the screen, I had a hard time convincing myself that anyone could mistake him for a woman, unless everyone around Malcolm has the intelligence of Jell-o pudding. He looks, talks, and acts nothing at all like a woman. Rather, Big Momma looks like a stand up comic from a sketch show impersonating a woman for laughs. In a 5 minute sketch setting, the character would probably work. But looking at Big Momma for 85 of a 100 minute long movie was just way too much. I kept on asking myself how the character of Malcolm could be fooling anyone, especially since he routinely slips out of character within ear shot of the family he's supposed to be investigating, yet no one ever notices. Since the Big Momma character is forced to carry almost the entire film, the movie fails, because we never once believe what we're looking at on the screen, even though we're in on the joke. We don't buy the concept that this guy could fool anyone, so therefore, we don't buy anything that happens afterward.

Since the movie fails at its sole purpose, the rest of the movie feels completely empty and hollow. As I mentioned earlier, the script is a total mess with characters who are mere afterthoughts and disappear into the background. The villains are so underwritten, I almost forgot they were around when they finally showed up near the end to kidnap one of the children. There's a child hacker character who is enlisted by the FBI to help on the case, but he too is let go shortly after being introduced, just appearing in the background now and then. And then there is Nia Long, who plays Malcolm's wife. Not only is her character underwritten to the point of non-existence, but the script doesn't even bother to wrap up her plot successfully, which is tied into the main "family is everything" theme of the movie!! This is just lazy writing when your movie is more interested in having a guy in a fat suit performing in a cheerleading competition with 10 year olds than in bringing forth your message that the kids in the audience are supposed to bring home with them. The final scene of Malcolm happily walking with his wife, stepson, and new baby is supposed to make us smile, but it just left me scratching my head, since the movie failed to explain how or why his wife forgave him for running out on her and lying to her when she was due to give birth any day.

Big Momma's House 2 is as lazy and as desperate a sequel as I have ever seen. It's a one joke movie, and that joke was told the first time around, so there's absolutely no reason for this sequel. Don't tell that to the filmmakers, however, as the ending seems to be hopeful for a Big Momma's House 3 in the future. Although that's a scary thought, I can't picture it being more inept or creatively bankrupt than this. I hope no executive at the Fox studio happens to read this review and sees that statement as a challenge. How bad is Big Momma's House 2? The original film's director, Raja Gosnell, wouldn't come back. When you can't lure back the director of Home Alone 3, the Scooby-Doo movies, and Your's Mine, and Ours - that's pretty darn bad.

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