There is one funny moment in Date Movie, and it occurs right during the opening credits. The credits state that the movie was "written by" Jason Friedberg and Andy Seltzer. Maybe it wasn't funny when I saw it, but thinking back on the movie, I can't stop laughing. The reason is because Date Movie has no screenplay. It is simply a hodgepodge of scenes taken from other films loosely connected by a paper thin plot to string them together. Date Movie claims to be a parody of romantic comedy films (A parody of comedies?...), but it's not even that, because often the film does not parody the films it uses for inspiration, it simply stages remakes of scenes from other films, and expects us to laugh at the familiarity of the sequence. This movie wasn't so much written, as it was the screenwriters had a movie marathon session, decided to do third rate remakes of their favorite moments, and call it a day.

Poor morbidly obese single girl, Julia Jones (Alyson Hannigan), is so unlucky in love that people run away in terror at the very sight of her, and would prefer to shoot themselves with a nail gun through the brain than date her. Her multi-cultural parents who run a Greek restaurant (Eddie Griffin and Meera Simhan) are trying to force her to marry a man she does not love, insisting that her spouse should be multi-cultural as well, specifically a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew. Desperate to escape the fate her parents have planned for her, Julia turns to midget love doctor, Hitch (Tony Cox), who "pimps her out" and sends her off on a reality dating show where the Bachelor seeking love rejects the single women by shooting them with a shotgun. The bachelor in question happens to be a charming British man named Grant Fonckyerdoder (Adam Campbell), and he is enchanted by Julia, sparing her life. The two share a romantic evening of beating up and mugging homeless people, and plans are instantly made for the two to be married.

Of course, it's not that easy. The couple will not only have to deal with both of their parents (Grant's parents are based on Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand's characters in Meet the Fockers, and are portrayed in this film by Fred Willard and Jennifer Coolidge.) who generally do not approve of the union, but also with Grant's sexy and vindictive ex-fiance, Andy (Sophie Monk) who wants to split the pair up before they can say their vows. Will true love prevail? How long will it take before you come to the conclusion that this is probably one of the most desperately unfunny comedies to come along since 2002's Dana Carvey flop, The Master of Disguise? (Took me about 10 minutes.) These questions, and many more, will be answered if you're unfortunate enough to pay theater price to watch this.

A very good example of just how lazy this movie is at parodying other films is its Pretty Woman sequence, which is simply nothing more than a role reversal. (The guy is dressed like Julia Roberts, and the woman is the Richard Gere role.) Equally lame are its attempts at mocking Wedding Crashers and Napoleon Dynamite, as these "parodies" are simply nothing more than a look alike of the original films' stars who just happen to be standing there. The film can think of absolutely nothing funny to do, so they just hope we'll laugh out of recognition. We don't, and we laugh even less at the film's over the top gross out humor that makes me question how some mostly harmless films that only contain a sex scene and one utterance of the f-word can get an R-rating, while this film depicts a cat humping a decaying corpse and gets a PG-13. If you're a parent, ask yourself what you would rather have your teenage child see.

We're only two months into the year, and I've already been subjected to four absolutely atrocious comedies (the other three being Grandma's Boy, Big Momma's House 2, and The Pink Panther). Of the three, only Grandma's Boy has failed to make any money. People often say comedy is hard, but hey, if garbage like this is bringing the people in, maybe it's easier than we thought. Heck, Date Movie doesn't even try to be funny most of the time, and it still got backed by a major studio and is playing on more screens than it probably should! All Date Movie does is give hope to other mediocre screenwriters out there that they too can get their movies made. Heck, if these guys can get this screenplay sold, there's hope yet. Don't stop believing, keep reaching for the stars, and maybe someday I will have to watch and review your very own third rate comedy. Or maybe you could actually make an effort, and try to make a good movie, but your chances of it getting bought would probably be lowered. Lower your standards, future screenwriters of America. If it worked for Mr. Friedberg and Seltzer, it can work for you.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

1 comments