What was everyone involved with Disney's new remake of The Shaggy Dog thinking while they made this movie? A better question to ask perhaps would be was anyone thinking at all? Here is a very creepy and just plain disturbing film being mispromoted as a family friendly comedy. This movie didn't bring forth any laughs from me, but it did bring out feelings of revulsion, general disinterest, and most of all pity for just about everyone who walked onto the screen. It would seem that 80s teen actor turned filmmaker, Brian Robbins (Good Burger, Varsity Blues), had no idea what he was doing. But hey, at least he was in good company, as I highly doubt the 5+ writers credited to the screenplay knew what to do either. The Shaggy Dog is simultaneously dull and disturbing, but most of all, it is guilty of making me hate a performance by Robert Downey Jr. - something I never thought would happen.

The story actually kicks off in Tibet where a mystical shaggy dog lives in a community of monks. But this is no ordinary dog, as he has lived for over 300 years due to a genetic mutation that lengthens his life span high above an average dog. This is the least of the dog's talents, as the first time we see him, he is literally meditating with the other monks. And later, we witness him catching some waves on a surfboard thanks to the "magic" of special effects that look about as convincing as Michael Jackson's nose. Thinking back on this movie, I think the filmmakers would have been wise to just drop the human stars completely, and concentrate on what an amazing life this dog must have had in the past 300 years. Alas, no such luck. Said mystical dog is kidnaped by some soldiers mere minutes later. The soldiers work for a mad scientist named Dr. Kozak (Robert Downey Jr.) who wants the dog to further his research into a drug that could make people live longer lives. His various research and unethical experiments on animals have raised the attention of animal rights activists, and this is where things begin.

Tim Allen plays Dave Douglas, an overworked district attorney assistant who barely has time for his family as he works his way up to becoming a true D.A. His family includes caring wife Rebecca (Kristen Davis), who is nearing the end of her rope over how Dave constantly puts his career before them; teenage daughter Carly (Zena Gray), who is one of the people protesting the practice of the mad doctor; and youngest son Josh (Spencer Breslin), who is intentionally flunking math so he can be kicked off the football team and try out for his middle school's musical production. Dave's latest trial is that he must defend Dr. Kozak's company after a rebellious animal rights activist apparently tried to set fire to the lab. Unknown to Dave, his daughter Carly breaks into Kozak's lab to try to get some proof of the doctor's experiments, and winds up helping the magical dog escape from the lab. (Though, if the dog can find inner peace and surf, surely it could escape on its own I would think.) Carly takes the dog home where it promptly bites Dave on the hand. Somehow, this causes the man to start to take on the characteristics of a dog, and eventually turn completely into one. Dave must learn how to deal with his bizarre situation, get to the bottom of the mad doctor's evil genetic mutation schemes, find some way to convince his family of his identity, and most of all, learn how to be a better father who respects his family in the process.

The Shaggy Dog falls under the category of what I like to call "mundane fantasy". These are the movies that fill themselves with the impossible, and instead decide to focus solely on the common and the everyday things. Here is a movie that is filled with mystical surfing dogs, mad scientists, dog bites that can turn people into animals, and animals that can apparently learn how to drive cars after being artificially implanted with dog genes (don't ask). And yet, the movie doesn't even bother to focus on any of this stuff. It instead focuses most of its time and attention on Tim Allen's character having to be a better father. The movie doesn't bother to explain how or why a dog has the ability to transfer mutation and transformation abilities with a single bite, or why it even decided to bite Allen's character in the first place. It simply happens, and then instead of focusing on this miraculous event, it keeps on diverting our attention with problems at home. My question is why? Why build your movie around such an impossible concept and then completely forget about it for most of your running time? Any person could probably think of a million interesting ideas to do with this premise. All this film gives us is a very unfunny voice over commentary by Allen that quickly grows tiresome.

It's perhaps not surprising that the movie is not interested in its own wonder, as nobody else in this movie even seems to notice. The people in the world of The Shaggy Dog are some of the most oblivious morons I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing in a movie. After being bitten by the magical pooch, Tim Allen starts to openly display aspects of a dog such as an elongated tongue that sometimes hangs out of his mouth, lifting his leg while he uses the toilet stall in the public men's room, and even licks his wife's face instead of kissing it. Yet, nobody seems to find this the least bit creepy, disturbing, or even interesting. Oh sure, a character might shoot Allen a curious glance, but then they go right back to whatever they're doing. Seeing Tim Allen do stuff like this is not funny, it's disturbing. I have to wonder what was going through his mind and the mind of actress Kristen Davis when they shot the scene where he must give her face a tongue bath to express his love. In the world of The Shaggy Dog, nothing phases anyone, not even the sight of a bare naked Tim Allen. (When he turns into a dog, he leaves his clothes in a pile, so naturally whenever he returns to human form, he's naked.) The film's dramatic climax where the family finally comes together is made just plain wrong due to the fact that Tim Allen is naked when it happens, and worst of all, he's in public and nobody seems to notice that there is a dog who just turned into a naked man on the steps of a courthouse surrounded by people. The only reaction we get is the sight of a woman on a cell phone in the background who makes a passing glance at the naked Allen in the background. And why does it take everyone so long to realize that Allen's character is the dog, especially since he always leaves the clothes he was wearing behind in a pile? The people in this movie are so dense, an alien mothership could land in the yard, and they wouldn't even notice.

When the movie isn't revolting us under the mistaken notion that watching a man do gross things a dog does is funny, it's making us groan with a never-ending supply of lame jokes that barely managed to bring forth even a chuckle from a theater filled with kids. The movie even has the nerve to cheapen and kill the memory of Toy Story by using Allen's catchphrase from that film in a very awkward moment. The script is filled with plot holes, lapses in logic, and a general overall feeling that everyone involved probably had other things on their mind while they were writing the dialogue. How else can you explain that characters enter and leave the story with little to no warning, and subplots are left hanging completely unresolved when the end credits start to roll? The actors who got suckered into this project all need to have very long talks with their agents, as not one single performance escapes unscathed. And yes, I am looking directly at you, Robert Downey Jr. You're a fine actor who I have long admired. What are you doing playing such an underwritten villain role that doesn't even have the balls to let you play the character memorably over the top like the best evil scientist roles? His final scene where he too begins to take on the traits of a dog simply made me cringe in embarrassment. Other talented people such as Danny Glover, Jane Curtin, Craig Kilborn, and Philip Baker Hall are criminally wasted, and reduced to roles that the movie promptly forgets about almost as soon as they're introduced. Then again, they got off lucky.

The Shaggy Dog is not just a bad comedy, it is a criminally inept one. There's not one single thing in this movie that could be considered even remotely amusing for anyone who does not have the I.Q. of a toddler. From the bargain basement special effects to the half-assed screenplay, this movie simply screams that nobody involved even cared, so neither should audiences. Of course, that won't stop kids from demanding to be taken to see it due to the massive amount of hype and advertising this film is getting on TV. Kids deserve better, and if you are a parent, you should make it your duty to steer them clear from junk like this. I would actually not be surprised if it was scientifically proven that this movie actually makes audience members dumber just watching it. May I never speak of this travesty again, at least until my "Worst Films of 2006" end of the year article.

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