If you ask the director of the original Basic Instinct, Paul Verhoeven, why its just-released sequel failed at the box office its opening weekend, he'll tell you it's because our nation is too conservative and shies away from erotic entertainment. Well, Mr. Verhoeven, I have seen Basic Instinct 2, and I can think of many other much more plausible reasons as to why it failed, the very least being that the original movie came out in 1992, and people were not interested in a continuation 14 years later. The movie has actually been in development hell for years, and after you see what new director Michael Caton-Jones has brought us, you'll wish it was still there. Basic Instinct 2 is an erotic thriller that is neither erotic nor thrilling. It doesn't even have the common decency to be so bad that it's good. With a plodding near 2-hour running time and a mostly uncharismatic cast, the film simply exists for returning star, Sharon Stone, to vamp it up.

As we rejoin trash novelist/evil manipulator of men, Catherine Trammell (Sharon Stone), she learns a very important lesson not to have sex with the drugged soccer player sitting in the car seat next to you while you're driving a car at over 100 miles per hour down the streets of London. (A lesson we can all learn.) The car goes off the side of a bridge, and though she survives, her date for the evening does not. Once again, Catherine is being suspected of murder, as the police don't quite believe it was an accident due to the drugs found in the car. She is sent to be analyzed by therapist Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey) to determine if she is mentally stable. The mind games immediately begin as Catherine can tell that the Doctor is fascinated by her. The case is eventually dismissed, but this does not stop her from forcing her way into Michael's life, first by becoming his regular patient, and then by quietly seducing him in various ways. And perhaps if Stone and Morrissey did not play their more "erotic" scenes with all the heated passion of a dead fish, we'd believe that the two could be attracted to each other.

The mind games and manipulation continues as various people in Michael's life start winding up dead. Is it Catherine? Is it the shady police detective (David Thewlis) who seems determined to put Catherine away, even if it means planting evidence? Or is it Michael himself acting out fits of revenge and passion? The movie jerks us around in so many directions that we quite frankly stop caring. The red herrings pile up just as quickly as the bodies do, and by the time the ending comes, you'll feel just as bored and disinterested as most of the actors in this movie seem to be.

For a movie that is supposed to thrill us with forbidden passions, Basic Instinct 2 certainly has a lot of scenes where absolutely nothing happens. This is just the first of its many problems. Many of the scenes resort to characters talking back and forth with each other, and when something even remotely sensual threatens to enter a part of the story, it's usually interrupted less than a minute later. This "erotic thriller" is about as sexy as watching someone brushing and flossing their teeth. The scenes between Catherine and Michael that are supposed to be so dangerously seductive instead come across as laughable. There's Sharon Stone, vamping it up to levels unknown and trying not to look and act like she's nearing 50, and there's David Morrissey looking like he's wishing he was somewhere else. I mean, sure I could relate, but come on, there's supposed to be an attraction here. How else would you explain why he is so fascinated by this clearly manipulative and possibly dangerous woman? Instead, the guy's complete lack of interest makes him come across as the world's biggest idiot, and you have no idea why he's even interested in her when most of the time he seems to look at her the same way you and I look at a wad of used chewing gum on the sidewalk.

Even if Stone seems to be stretching a bit to be playing a dangerous femme fatale at this point of her career, you certainly can't blame her for trying. She slinks and slides her way around the scenery like an overly aroused snake, though we question just what it is about Morrissey that excites her. She also gets to deliver some hammy dialogue about sex thanks to the almost laughably bad screenplay provided by Leora Barish and Henry Bean. The fact that she can deliver some of these lines with a straight face and a certain amount of dignity intact almost makes me want to nominate her for a special kind of Oscar. But hey, at least she looks like she's having fun. Why shouldn't she be, she was probably laughing all the way to the bank while they were shooting this thing. She knows she's the sole reason this movie was made, so she just goes for it. You've got to admire the girl in a twisted way. Not even her hilariously over the top performance as the villain in the equally hilariously over the top Catwoman movie back in 2004 can keep her down. At the very least, she slips back comfortably into the role, so fans of the first won't be disappointed in that regard.

They'll just be disappointed in everything else instead. From its gloomy English setting, to its seemingly endless string of pointless scenes where absolutely nothing of interest happens, this movie almost seems strangely hellbent on lulling its audience into a coma-like stupor. There are no fast-paced action sequences to speak of, and the rare scene where things actually seem to be getting interesting seem edited or cut short. Basic Instinct 2 makes all the wrong moves just about every step of the way. Actually, the only thing it does right is reviving the first film's instrumental theme by the late great composer, Jerry Goldsmith. From its casting all the way down to its dialogue, the film is an unsalvageable mess, and it boggles the mind as to how anyone involved thought that the small number of people who actually have waited 14 years for a sequel could see this as a passable continuation of the story.

In the end, Basic Instinct 2 is just not trashy or stupid enough to be fun. It kind of just sits there and dies when it should be lively, naughty, and passionate. Making a sequel to Basic Instinct that is not even remotely erotic is kind of like making a sequel to Spider-Man, and have it be about the trials of 18th Century pig farmers. It's pointless, and it goes against everything that the previous film set up. So, despite what Mr. Verhoeven might say, the problem's not with us, it's with Hollywood executives who green light projects like this. At least this film's failure all but guarantees we won't be seeing a Basic Instinct 3. If that's not a happy ending, I don't know what is.

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