Having never read Dan Brown's insanely popular novel that inspired this film, I was not sure what to expect walking into The Da Vinci Code. I of course knew the basic plot and premise, and the controversy surrounding it. How could I not when just about every TV program the past month aside from Saturday Morning cartoons has dealt with the controversy? So, I walked into the movie with a fresh mind, ready to discover just what all the excitement about. Walking out of the theater, I was not thinking about the countless questions the movie asks, nor about how the movie pretty much flies against everything Christianity stands for. All I could think about was how could a movie tackle such tricky and fascinating questions and end up being so boring? The Da Vinci Code is a butt-numbingly endless, talky, and repetitive slog through endless religious mysteries, double crosses, and one shady character after another, including an evil Albino. Director Ron Howard and screenwriter Akiva Goldsman have crafted a ludicrous and strangely lifeless mystery that is less a test of the viewer's opinion on religion, and more a test of the viewer's patience.

The action (so to speak) begins when the curator of the Louvre museum is found dead with various symbols carved into his body and mysterious and cryptic messages left behind on the ground. Symbols expert Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) is called in by the French police to decode the messages left behind. He meets up with Police Captain Fache (Jean Reno) and young cryptologist Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou) at the crime scene, and quickly discovers that things are not what they seem. Sophie secretly reveals that she is the estranged granddaughter of the murder victim, and that Robert is being set up by the police to become the prime suspect. The two manage to escape, and begin a lengthy quest for the truth behind the riddles left behind on the museum floor. The quest will lead them to uncover a secret religious war that has been held for centuries that, if uncovered, could blow the lid off of Christianity's core beliefs.

The deeper the two delve into the mystery, the more it appears that things are not what they seem. Betrayals are set, lines are double crossed, more murders start popping up in an attempt to stop them from discovering the truth, and a crazed Albino (Paul Bettany) is constantly tailing after them trying to put an early end to their search. The movie throws so many characters, plot twists, and flashbacks (both personal and historical) at us that it almost feels like the story is going in all sorts of directions and can't decide which way it wants to end up. Da Vinci seems to delight in pulling the rug out from under us, and seems to be in love with its own plot twists. But it's not really as clever as it seems to think it is. The screenplay is just nothing but a series of double crosses, one after another, so we start expecting them after awhile. With one-dimensional boring characters, and an overly talky screenplay, The Da Vinci Code quickly becomes a chore to sit through. The fact that the movie runs at an overlong two and a half hours doesn't help matters.

Even having never read the original source material, I have a hunch that this film is slavishly faithful to the book due to the fact that there are way too many exposition-heavy scenes where the characters simply sit there and spell out the plot. What works on the written page does not always work on the big screen. In adapting the novel to the big screen, writer Akiva Goldsman was obviously under pressure not to disappoint the legions of fans, so he seems to have literally copied the dialogue word for word. This leads to countless scenes that go on for way too long. I can picture them working in a novel, lying on a cozy couch, and letting the words sink in. But sitting in a stiff cineplex seat watching highly paid actors recite the dialogue in a strangely wooden and unemotional manner is an entirely different matter all together. Director Ron Howard tries to spice things up with "visual aids" that mainly come in the form of flashbacks that act out what the characters are talking about. But, he relies on this technique way too often that it almost becomes comical by the end. I don't remember a movie having this many flashbacks, and it gets to the point that it seems like the characters in the flashbacks are having flashbacks. It'd help if maybe the story being told was interesting, but despite its talk of religious wars and a quest for the true Holy Grail, the plot never quite seems to truly engage or grab our attention.

The Da Vinci Code mainly falters due to its own tone and pacing. For a movie that's supposed to be about blowing the top off of the basis of Christianity, the tone is strangely laid back and lethargic. Despite being constantly on the run, and their lives being in danger, we never get a sense that Robert and Sophie are ever in any danger. The movie ruins its own surprises by revealing the whereabouts of its villains at just about every turn, so we are always one step ahead of the heroes, and know exactly when they are going to be in danger. Not only does this kill what little amount of suspense the story could actually generate, but it also seems pointless when the movie tries to "surprise" us by the sudden arrival of a "hidden" character. The movie tries to keep things interesting with some action sequences scattered throughout, but they are either ludicrous beyond belief (a backwards car chase through the streets of Paris), or they are so short that they seem to be over the very moment they begin.

I would have no problem with the movie being a character-driven mystery if the characters themselves were actually interesting. Unfortunately, none of the characters except for one made any sort of impression on me. The characters seem interchangeable at times, as there's very little to distinguish Robert from Sophie, other than the fact that Sophie has this very ugly looking black mole on her neck that I couldn't stop staring at. The performances, in turn, are equally bland and colorless because the actors are too busy explaining the plot to develop any sort of personality. Even Tom Hanks seems strangely wooden and lacking in any sort of personality in his portrayal. The one and only character and performance that livens things up is Ian McKellan as a Grail scholar and long time friend of Robert. Not only is his character the only one who possesses a personality and (Heaven forbid) a sense of humor, but the performance by McKellan is equally lively and fun. He seems to be enjoying himself, something that everyone else is not, judging by their overly serious and expressionless faces that they are forced to hold throughout the film's entire running time. Unfortunately, he only appears during the middle portion of the movie. Once he's gone, the film goes right back into its previous pattern of lifeless characters and endless exposition dialogue.

Aside from the performances, everything else is top notch in terms of production values. The film has an attractive look, makes good use of its far away locales, and always seems to be hinting at something big is about to happen. Da Vinci is good at setting up the idea of suspense and that something is going to happen, only to fail to deliver on any sort of tension or action. Needlessly talky and overly complicated, The Da Vinci Code ends up just being a jumbled mess that is almost certain to annoy anyone who is not a rabid fan of the novel. As for the whole controversy aspect, I personally see it as much ado about nothing. The movie is blatantly a work of fiction, and the story treats its own theories as simply a jumping point for an increasingly ludicrous adventure story where the heroes make narrow escapes and seem to be able to crack centuries-old riddles and mysteries in a matter of seconds. Its theories on Christianity is simply a plot point and a series of ideas. It never once claims them to be fact. I guess there are some people who are all too willing to believe what they read. As for me, I simply believe that The Da Vinci Code is a lot of hype and smoke and mirrors hiding a forgettable story.

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