Paying money to see See No Evil is a lot like paying someone to stand in front of you and throw mud, gunk, dirt, and slime in your face for 80 minutes straight. This debut film from the WWE's new film division is an effort to bring back the fun of early 80s schlocky teen slasher films. An admirable feat to be sure, and one I probably could get behind if director Gregory Dark (a former porn filmmaker trying to go straight) knew how to add a bit of cheesy fun to the gore and the splatter. Well, okay, that's a bit unfair. Being a critic who stresses honest opinion on film, I must admit there are a few gore scenes that left me with a goofy grin on my face. But they are too far between and surrounded by a ludicrous plot (even by slasher film standards) that concerns a lumbering man child who likes to rip out people's eyes in order to cleanse the world from sinners. Yes, folks, See No Evil is kind of like a twisted Christian remake of Friday the 13th. Try to imagine the hockey masked Jason Voorhees finding religion and going around killing anyone who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and you won't be too far off as to what this movie has to offer.

The paper-thin plot centers around a massive and oddly named serial killer called Jacob Goodnight (played by Professional Wrestler Kane). He's a hulking brute who was raised by a psychotically religious mother, so now he goes around removing "sinners" from the world. In the film's prologue sequence, a pair of cops stage a bust on Jacob's home while he's in the process of torturing a woman. One of the cops gets hacked with an ax, and the other (Steven Vidler) loses an arm, but still manages to get a shot in on the madman, causing the psycho to go on the run. He apparently eluded capture, as the film then flashes forward four years later, and the cop who survived now has a wooden arm, and is currently making a living watching over troubled youth at the local Juvenile Prison. A small group of eight troubled teens have been given a chance to shorten their sentences if they participate in a clean up project of an abandoned old hotel that's set to be transformed into a homeless shelter. Our group is made up of your standard teen types that you see in these kind of movies including the stuck up blonde, the jerk, the geek, the tough-talking black guy, the good girl, etc. The teens get to work, but only for about five minutes, then they start wandering off so they can have sex and do drugs without the adult guardians knowing. No surprise that this abandoned old building is the very place that Jacob Goodnight has been making his hideout for the past couple years, and these troubled teens who have not found religion really tick the big schmuck off.

And so the blood and carnage begins. Jacob is armed with a giant hook attached to a chain, his own brute strength, a swarm of flies that follow him everywhere he goes for reasons unexplained by the screenplay, and the I.Q. of a 10-year old who has just discovered that it's fun to torture people. The teens and most of the adults are picked off one by one until there's just a small group left for the final showdown. If you're worried that I'm revealing too much about the movie, don't be, there's not much to reveal. After the teens sneak away from the adults and start having sex and sticking their noses in places they shouldn't, the movie becomes an endless series of gore scenes where one of the kids meets their end at the hands of the simple-minded maniac. This is to be expected in a movie of its kind, so I can forgive it. What I cannot forgive is the movie's near ineptitude of coming up with some creative kills. All slasher movies are judged solely on their death scenes, and aside from a couple standouts, See No Evil keeps on playing the same song over and over again. The flies start buzzing around the victim, Jacob Goodnight appears from out of nowhere or smashes through a wall or mirror "unexpectedly", he plants his giant hook in them, then drags them away. Maybe it's kind of fun the first time it happens, but then it does the same thing another four or five more times. Fortunately, the movie starts to get a bit more creative near the end, including one with a girl dying because Jacob shoves a ringing cell phone down her throat, and another animal-loving girl who is eaten alive by a pack of wild dogs. Aside from these rare standouts, See No Evil just does not offer a large variety of kills, and starts to become repetitive long before it's time for the final battle.

Fortunately, there are quite a couple unintentional laughs that can keep a viewer somewhat entertained if they are in the right mind set. I love the fact that about halfway through the movie, one of the characters falls to their death and smashes through the glass ceiling of another part of the hotel. Later on in the film, a second character takes the same plunge, only it appears the ceiling has magically repaired itself sometime between the two deaths, so that it can once again be smashed to pieces when the second character dives through. There is also quite an awkward scene near the end where Jacob is shot in the head, only to reveal a swarm of maggots and bugs crawling out of his head through the open hole. So, what, he's a zombie or something? The movie doesn't bother to explain. I guess we'll have to wait for the explanation when he comes back in the inevitable direct-to-video sequel. All the entertaining plot holes in the world, however, can't cover the fact that there's just not a lot of fun to be had here, even for the diehard gore fans. The movie fails to be even the least bit scary, and just can't quite capture the goofy fun of the best slasher films. It's nothing but idiot teens running down dark, muddy, and murky hallways with a Professional Wrestler in hot pursuit. Combine that with the fact that the characters are not really characters at all, just walking bags of meat waiting to be sliced open by the madman, and you'll quickly find yourself growing bored. To its credit, the movie does seem to breeze by in a blink of an eye, so the boredom of watching this film does not linger for long.

As is to be expected in a slasher movie produced by a Professional Wrestling film division and directed by a former porn filmmaker, there's not a lot to interest in terms of performances or technical aspects. The best thing I can say about the teens is that none of their performances flat out annoyed me, and the ones who annoyed me a little bit at least met their ends pretty quickly. As for Kane, despite the fact that he gets top billing above the title, he has very little to do here but grunt, groan, and look pissed off or confused. He's dreaming if he thinks he's going to match the lofty heights of master thespian Hulk Hogan with material like this. Kane will need a Mr. Nanny or a Suburban Commando if he ever wants me to take him seriously as an actor. Director Gregory Dark seems to have mainly been influenced by music videos with his look for this film. There's a lot of quick zoom in shots and rapid fire editing tricks, but it's all a lot of style for no reason whatsoever. And I don't know who had the bright idea to set some of the key scenes of the film to the song "Jesus Loves the Little Children" played on a continuous and seemingly-endless loop, but I want to personally punch them in the face. If you don't already hate the song, you will after watching this movie. I know, it's a "religious" horror movie and all, but it still comes across as overkill.

Weird as it may sound, I really wanted to like this movie. Cheesy 80s slasher movies will always hold a special place in my heart, and I really wanted to embrace this movie as the guilty pleasure it obviously strived to be. But, See No Evil simply offers no thrills, no fun, and very little bang for the gorehound's buck. Even if you look at the movie as the piece of cinematic cheese that it is it still falls apart. Still, I do have a slight admiration for the filmmakers' effort. It takes a lot of balls to try to revive a long-dead horror genre, and they do at least seem to be on to something in this regard from time to time. You can probably tell by reading this review if you're right for this movie. Even if you are, I highly suggest you wait for the DVD, as I'm sure it will be better with friends, pizza, and beverages. Most things are after all.

Before I close this review, I just want to personally apologize for the lack of variety in the screenshots. The sites I usually grab images from did not offer a very large variety, so I hope you like photos of pissed off bald men. (And who doesn't?)

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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