Just because a movie is based on a theme park ride, does it have to feel like we're stuck in one? Actually, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, the sequel to the surprise summer hit of 2003, feels less like a theme park ride and more like an endless video game crossed with an explosion at the special effects factory. The movie's got daring stunts, sword-slinging action, more slimy creatures than a Swamp Thing movie marathon, and more of Johnny Depp giving that bizarre performance that won over so many people. By all accounts, it should be fun, but Dead Man's Chest suffers from the dreaded "sequelitis" where they just keep on piling on the action to the point that we can hardly follow it anymore. With an overstuffed running time of two and a half hours, the movie starts out as harmless summer movie fun that quickly gets bogged down in endless action scenes and human characters that seem about as personality filled as the animatronics at the actual Disneyland attraction.

The action kicks off almost the instant the opening titles are over, as we find bland lovers Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) find their wedding dreams dashed when the ceremony is crashed by soldiers, and the two are charged with a death sentence for assisting the wanted pirate, Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp). After some tense moments, Will is able to strike a deal where he must track down Jack and bring back the compass that he holds, in exchange for both Elizabeth's and his freedom. Little does Will realize, Jack is in a life-or-death situation of his own, as he finds himself marked to repay a debt to the ghastly Davy Jones (Bill Nighy). A desperate race begins for a legendary treasure that holds Jack's very soul at stake.

Director Gore Verbinski (The Weather Man) and returning screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio (the Shrek films) obviously tried hard to recapture everything that they thought made the first film a hit with audiences. Unfortunately, this time, they seem to be trying a bit too hard. Surrounded by a convoluted and sometimes incomprehensible plot that has so many twists and turns that it starts to get annoying, Dead Man's Chest fills itself to the gills with a series of overblown action sequences that are so poorly edited and staged sometimes that you start to lose your patience. Slime creatures run at the camera, cannons are fired, blades are crossed, and a cast of extras are thrown left and right by giant sea monsters, but none of these images register in our brains. That's because the movie refuses to let them. Even thrill a minute popcorn entertainment like the Indiana Jones trilogy had some moments where the action slowed down. Here, it only slows down so the characters can further the plot, then it's right back to the nonstop video game-inspired action sequences. The effects work is impressive, and the make up work on Davy Jones and his crew is nothing short of remarkable, but the movie is in such a rush that it hardly gives us a chance to admire it.

Because of the movie's insistence on filling every inch of its overly padded running time with pointless action sequences, the characters suffer. But then, the more I think about it, the more I come to believe that maybe there isn't that much to these characters in the first place. Will and Elizabeth are both so bland and devoid of personality that not only are they a perfect match for each other, they're probably the only people in the world who could tolerate each other. Anyone else forced to listen to Elizabeth's constant screaming and Will's slightly whiny tone for a prolonged period would probably run them through with a sharp object in a matter of moments. I know I wanted to. Not even Johnny Depp, who came across as wonderfully weird in the original, can escape the fate of being uninteresting. Instead of quirky and bizarre, Captain Sparrow comes across here more like some kind of drunken Looney Tunes character. How else can you describe his numerous pratfalls and slapstick scenes that seem to be inspired by Road Runner cartoons? (During a scene where he falls hundreds of feet, smashing through various bridges and cliffs, I was literally surprised he didn't come out of the fall flattened like an accordion, and holding a sign expressing his feeling of pain.) His character seems strained here, like Depp's trying to be funny, but he knows he can't make the material he's given work.

The rest of the cast are forced to mainly stand in the background and watch the action. A pity since everyone in this movie is either covered with mud, filth, bad teeth, or oozing slime out of every pore of their body. You get the sense they spent hours in the make up chair to look like they've been rolling around in mud most of their lives for no reason. I especially feel sorry for the poor souls that had to play Davy Jones' crew, as they are given next to nothing to do in scene after pointless scene. Yeah, the make up is great as are the effects, but since they do very little, they end up coming across as expensive live action models for the action figures that are most likely already hanging on hooks at your local Toys R Us. Every single character becomes lost in the clutter and chaos that is this movie.

You know, I liked the original Pirates of the Caribbean. While it's true it suffered from some major problems, compared to Dead Man's Chest, it looks like a flippin' masterpiece. This is just a muddled and aimless sequel that intensifies and magnifies everything that worked in the first movie, yet only winds up making these aspects annoying. There's such a thing as too much of a good thing, and Dead Man's Chest crosses that line long before the ending credits come up. The third film in the series is already in the can, and is coming our way next May. It's not too late to fix that film. Let's hope the filmmakers realize their own mistakes. But, judging by the fact that this movie seems to be on a fast track to being the most successful film of the summer, that's not very likely.

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