Reel Opinions

As 2006 draws to a close, it's time to reflect upon the year as it was in terms of cinema, and dish out a little payback in the process. Yes, my friends, it's time for The First Annual Reel Stinkers Awards. This is where I'll be jotting down my thoughts on what I thought the worst films of the year were. I paid to see 156 movies at the cinema this year, and I saw more than my share of stinkers. I sit through these movies so you don't have to, so hopefully my sacrifice will not be in vain.

What I'll be doing in this special article is first listing the top 5 worst films of 2006. Then I will list the "dishonorable mentions", the films that were bad, but not bad enough to make it to the top 5. After that, I will be handing out specific awards to different films in various categories. So, let's all share the pain together as we give one more look back at the films that wasted cinema space this past year, and then hopefully never think of them again.

THE TOP 5 WORST FILMS OF 2006.

5. Material Girls - The popularity of Hillary Duff has always mystified me, but never as much as in this movie. Material Girls is one of the most lame brained and forced comedies to hit the screen this year. It is a film that barely tries for laughs, and doesn't even attempt to ridicule the targets that it is supposed to be focusing on. It is simply an endless series of scenes where Hilary and real life sister Haylie Duff embarrass themselves to no end as they try to play spoiled heiresses, but fail in just about every way. Nothing works in its entire running time, and even Duff's young fans stayed away from this one.

4. Basic Instinct 2 - We got a lot of sequels this year that made me scratch my head and think, "They're actually making a sequel to THAT?". None more so than Basic Instinct 2. This long-in-development sequel had been stuck in development hell for years until it finally limped onto screens in the spring. Sharon Stone vamps it up, and seems to be having a lot of fun returning to her most famous role. Too bad nobody else in this movie seems to be. This is an erotic thriller that offers absolutely no thrills whatsoever, and even worse, very little of anything that could be classified as "erotic". It certainly doesn't help that Stone and her male co-star, David Morrissey, have all the passion of a corpse during some of their "steamier" scenes. Audiences stayed away in droves, but that didn't stop Sharon Stone from stating that she'd like to do a part 3 sometime. Considering the gap between the original film and this sequel, Basic Instinct 3 should hit sometime in 2018. Get the popcorn ready!

3. An American Haunting - The lamest horror movie to hit the big screen in 2006 (and trust me, there were a lot of them) was by far An American Haunting, a completely botched attempt to tell a supposedly "true story" about the infamous Bell Witch hauntings. The film was completely repetitive, repeating the exact same scenes over and over to the point that we start looking at our watches more than the screen. It fails to generate even the slightest scares, and eventually decides to forget all about continuity and editing, and just stops making any form of sense during its final moments. Somehow this movie was able to attract some talented actors such as Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek. Seeing them in a movie like this is just plain sad, as everyone who enters it deserves better. So does the audience.

2. Date Movie - The parody film genre was once proud, sporting such classics as The Kentucky Fried Movie, Airplane, Top Secret, and The Naked Gun. This movie represents not just the decline of the once revered form of comedy, but the apocalypse. Hands down the most pathetic comedy to limp our way this year, Date Movie is a pathetic satirical take on romantic comedies. The filmmakers often don't even try to parody the movies they're supposed to be making fun of. They simply throw as many movie and pop culture references up on the screen, and expect us to laugh out of familiarity. We wait for the jokes to come, and they seldom do. What's worse, the minds behind this movie are getting a second chance with Epic Movie, a parody of big budget spectacles. My advice to everyone when that movie comes out is to stay home, rent the classics mentioned above, and just laugh yourself silly.

1. Madea's Family Reunion - More than any other movie, Madea's Family Reunion filled me with the feeling that I was watching an absolute, unsalvagable train wreck. A head on-collision between crude, idiotic humor and melodramatic over the top family drama, the movie keeps on switching tone so often and at such breakneck speeds that the audience winds up getting whiplashed. One minute, we're watching some women talking about being stuck in a loveless and abusive relationship, and mere minutes later, we're watching an old man passing thunderous gas numerous times that literally booms over the theater speakers. This is one ugly, awkward, and vile movie that often had me shaking my head in total disbelief of what I was seeing. Throw in the fact that the film's title character is an old woman played by the director in drag in a completely unconvincing wig and make up, and it only adds to the overall tone of "who in their right mind thought this would work". I'd say you have to see it to believe it, but I don't want you to torture yourselves.

So, that concludes my counting down of the cream of the crap. Now let's take a look at the list of dishonorable mentions.

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Grandma's Boy, Hoodwinked, Big Momma's House 2, When a Stranger Calls, The Pink Panther, Running Scared, Ultraviolet, The Shaggy Dog, Failure to Launch, She's the Man, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Stay Alive, Scary Movie 4, American Dreamz, R.V., Hoot, Just My Luck, The Da Vinci Code, See No Evil, Stick It, The Omen, Cars, The Devil Wears Prada, Little Man, Lady in the Water, Miami Vice, The Ant Bully, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Pulse, Step Up, Zoom, Beerfest, How to Eat Fried Worms, Crossover, The Covenant, The Protector, The Black Dahlia, Jackass Number Two, Flyboys, All the King's Men, Open Season, Employee of the Month, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, The Marine, Flicka, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Marie Antoinette, A Good Year, The Return, Let's Go to Prison, The Nativity Story, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, Unaccompanied Minors, Eragon

But wait! We're still not done yet. It's time to hand out a couple more awards...

THE REEL STINKERS "HONORS"

WORST SEQUEL:

Basic Instinct 2

MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL:

Big Momma's House 2

WORST PERFORMANCE BY A GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS

The entire cast of All the King's Men

WORST PERFORMANCE BY A BAD ACTOR/ACTRESS

Jessica Simpson in Employee of the Month

MOST OVERRATED FILM OF THE YEAR

Borat (Come on guys, the movie was funny, but not that funny.)

WORST TIM ALLEN FAMILY FILM (OF THE THREE HE RELEASED THIS YEAR)

Zoom

WORST ANIMATED FILM OF THE YEAR

Hoodwinked

WORST USE OF MUSIC OR SONG

Zoom, for it's annoying and dated Smash Mouth soundtrack

WORST POTENTIAL FRANCHISE

Eragon

WORST TITLE

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

WORST HORROR REMAKE

The Omen

WORST REMAKE IN GENERAL

All the King's Men

WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE THAT NEVER COULD HAVE WORKED

Little Man

And with that, I finally wind down this article. Those of you wondering about when I will publish my "best of" list, that's going to be a little while. A lot of the big year-end releases are still in limited release, so it's going to be a while before they come to my area, or until I track them down. I promise to do a "Best of 2006" before too long, though.

Before I close, I'd just like to thank those of you who have supported me during my first full year running Reel Opinions. I hope you continue to support and enjoy my work well into the years to come, because I'm not planning of slowing down anytime soon. See you all next weekend when I begin putting down my thoughts on 2007's films.

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Friday, December 29, 2006

The First Annual Reel Stinkers Awards

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