The First Annual Reel Stinkers Awards
What I'll be doing in this special article is first listing the top 5 worst films of 2006. Then I will list the "dishonorable mentions", the films that were bad, but not bad enough to make it to the top 5. After that, I will be handing out specific awards to different films in various categories. So, let's all share the pain together as we give one more look back at the films that wasted cinema space this past year, and then hopefully never think of them again.
THE TOP 5 WORST FILMS OF 2006.
5. Material Girls - The popularity of Hillary Duff has always mystified me, but never as much as in this movie. Material Girls is one of the most lame brained and forced comedies to hit the screen this year. It is a film that barely tries for laughs, and doesn't even attempt to ridicule the targets that it is supposed to be focusing on. It is simply an endless series of scenes where Hilary and real life sister Haylie Duff embarrass themselves to no end as they try to play spoiled heiresses, but fail in just about every way. Nothing works in its entire running time, and even Duff's young fans stayed away from this one. 
3. An American Haunting - The lamest horror movie to hit the big screen in 2006 (and trust me, there were a lot of them) was by far An American Haunting, a completely botched attempt to tell a supposedly "true story" about the infamous Bell Witch hauntings. The film was completely repetitive, repeating the exact same scenes over and over to the point that we start looking at our watches more than the screen. It fails to generate even the slightest scares, and eventually decides to forget all about continuity and editing, and just stops making any form of sense during its final moments. Somehow this movie was able to attract some talented actors such as Donald Sutherland and Sissy Spacek. Seeing them in a movie like this is just plain sad, as everyone who enters it deserves better. So does the audience.
2. Date Movie - The parody film genre was once proud, sporting such classics as The Kentucky Fried Movie, Airplane, Top Secret, and The Naked Gun. This movie represents not just the decline of the once revered form of comedy, but the apocalypse. Hands down the most pathetic comedy to limp our way this year, Date Movie is a pathetic satirical take on romantic comedies. The filmmakers often don't even try to parody the movies they're supposed to be making fun of. They simply throw as many movie and pop culture references up on the screen, and expect us to laugh out of familiarity. We wait for the jokes to come, and they seldom do. What's worse, the minds behind this movie are getting a second chance with Epic Movie, a parody of big budget spectacles. My advice to everyone when that movie comes out is to stay home, rent the classics mentioned above, and just laugh yourself silly.
1. Madea's Family Reunion - More than any other movie, Madea's Family Reunion filled me with the feeling that I was watching an absolute, unsalvagable train wreck. A head on-collision between crude, idiotic humor and melodramatic over the top family drama, the movie keeps on switching tone so often and at such breakneck speeds that the audience winds up getting whiplashed. One minute, we're watching some women talking about being stuck in a loveless and abusive relationship, and mere minutes later, we're watching an old man passing thunderous gas numerous times that literally booms over the theater speakers. This is one ugly, awkward, and vile movie that often had me shaking my head in total disbelief of what I was seeing. Throw in the fact that the film's title character is an old woman played by the director in drag in a completely unconvincing wig and make up, and it only adds to the overall tone of "who in their right mind thought this would work". I'd say you have to see it to believe it, but I don't want you to torture yourselves.DISHONORABLE MENTIONS
Grandma's Boy, Hoodwinked, Big Momma's House 2, When a Stranger Calls, The Pink Panther, Running Scared, Ultraviolet, The Shaggy Dog, Failure to Launch, She's the Man, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Stay Alive, Scary Movie 4, American Dreamz, R.V., Hoot, Just My Luck, The Da Vinci Code, See No Evil, Stick It, The Omen, Cars, The Devil Wears Prada, Little Man, Lady in the Water, Miami Vice, The Ant Bully, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Pulse, Step Up, Zoom, Beerfest, How to Eat Fried Worms, Crossover, The Covenant, The Protector, The Black Dahlia, Jackass Number Two, Flyboys, All the King's Men, Open Season, Employee of the Month, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, The Marine, Flicka, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, Marie Antoinette, A Good Year, The Return, Let's Go to Prison, The Nativity Story, Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj, Unaccompanied Minors, Eragon
But wait! We're still not done yet. It's time to hand out a couple more awards...
THE REEL STINKERS "HONORS"
WORST SEQUEL:
Basic Instinct 2
MOST UNNECESSARY SEQUEL:
Big Momma's House 2
WORST PERFORMANCE BY A GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS
The entire cast of All the King's Men
WORST PERFORMANCE BY A BAD ACTOR/ACTRESS
Jessica Simpson in Employee of the Month
Borat (Come on guys, the movie was funny, but not that funny.)
WORST TIM ALLEN FAMILY FILM (OF THE THREE HE RELEASED THIS YEAR)
Zoom
WORST ANIMATED FILM OF THE YEAR
Hoodwinked
WORST USE OF MUSIC OR SONG
Zoom, for it's annoying and dated Smash Mouth soundtrack
WORST POTENTIAL FRANCHISE
Eragon
WORST TITLE
Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector
WORST HORROR REMAKE
The Omen
WORST REMAKE IN GENERAL
All the King's Men
WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE THAT NEVER COULD HAVE WORKED
Little Man
And with that, I finally wind down this article. Those of you wondering about when I will publish my "best of" list, that's going to be a little while. A lot of the big year-end releases are still in limited release, so it's going to be a while before they come to my area, or until I track them down. I promise to do a "Best of 2006" before too long, though.
Before I close, I'd just like to thank those of you who have supported me during my first full year running Reel Opinions. I hope you continue to support and enjoy my work well into the years to come, because I'm not planning of slowing down anytime soon. See you all next weekend when I begin putting down my thoughts on 2007's films.
We Are Marshall is a movie that has the right idea, but is betrayed by its overly sloppy execution and obnoxious lead performance. While watching the movie, you're not thinking about what's going on up on the screen or about the real life situation. You keep on thinking of how a better movie would have handled the story, fleshed out the characters, and given us something to actually care about. When we get the closing narration, telling us what happened to most of the people and players in the later years, we feel nothing, because the movie has made no effort to inform us. The story that We Are Marshall tells deserves a very up close and personal approach. This movie looks at the action through a pair of binoculars from the cheap seats in the stand, while a really obnoxious guy sits next to you, cracking jokes, and won't shut up.
Ben Stiller plays Larry Daley, a divorced father who has never been able to hold down a single job, and is always pursuing get rich quick schemes that usually end in failure. In danger of losing visitation rights of his young son Nick (Jake Cherry) unless he buckles down and tackles a serious career, Larry goes to an employment agency where the only job he's qualified for is to be the night watchman at the Museum of Natural History in New York City. The Museum has been downsizing, due to dwindling customer numbers, and Larry learns that he is replacing three long-time night watchmen who are finally retiring after years of service (played by Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, and Bill Cobbs). When one of the retiring watchmen offers him a stern warning not to let anything out of the Museum after dark, Larry has no idea just how much he should heed the man's warning until later that night when he discovers that all of the Museum's displays come to life every night thanks to the magic of a legendary golden treasure located in the Egyptian wing of the building. What at first seemed to be a simple and mundane job turns out to be anything but, as Larry learns that it is his duty to keep order within the Museum after dark. He will have to take true responsibility on the job for the first time in his life if he wants to maintain some sort of control.
That Night at the Museum manages to mostly stay afloat came as a surprise to me, judging by some of the talent involved behind the camera. With Shawn Levy, director of the terrible Pink Panther and Cheaper By the Dozen remakes, at the helm, and a screenplay provided by Ben Garant and Thomas Lennon (who have shared writing credits on such stinkers as Let's Go to Prison, The Pacifier, and Taxi), let's just say I wasn't walking on air on my way into the theater. Much to my surprise, the film has a little bit more on its mind than just being a brainless holiday blockbuster, thanks to some generally likeable performances, and an underlying message that kids (and some adults) can take home that learning about history can be enjoyable. I liked the way that Larry develops different individual relationships with the various inhabitants of the museum, including Teddy Roosevelt (Robin Williams), Atilla the Hun (Patrick Gallagher), and Native American guide Sacajawea (Mizuo Peck). The movie even allows some of the historical figures to develop relationships with one-another, such as the way Roosevelt admires Sacajawea from afar, or how the miniature diorama cowboy and Roman soldier figurines (led by characters played by Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan) form an uneasy alliance having the share the same display room. The movie constantly teeters on the edge of falling into complete chaos, with hundreds of living wax figures and wild animals running around nearly every corner of the background action, but it never quite falls into the trap of letting the special effects and costumed figures completely overtake the movie.
A lot of what makes the film works has to do with the energy that carries through from the screen to the audience. The actors seem to be having a lot of fun, the special effects are convincing for the most part, and the sets are a more than passable replica of the actual museum. (The filmmakers were not allowed to shoot any interior scenes in the actual building, so they had to build their own massive sets that captured the essence of the place.) For a movie that's literally one major special effects or action sequence after another, the actors are able to give some generally well rounded and enjoyable performances, despite the chaos that erupts around them. Ben Stiller can play the role of the hard-luck loser in his sleep by now, but he comes across as likeable. Unlike a lot of his past roles, his character is mainly treated with respect, and does not exist strictly for a tool of humiliation for others. Yeah, there's a cute little monkey who constantly gets the best of him, but the standard Stiller embarrassment humor is kept relatively low key this time around. Robin Williams is surprisingly effective in his portrayal of Teddy Roosevelt, in that he mainly plays the character straight, and never goes into his usual manic comic act that he's known for. The stand out performances, however, belong to Owen Wilson and Steve Coogan, who deliver the film's biggest laughs as a pair of warring diorama figures. I also greatly enjoyed seeing Dick Van Dyke again as the previous head night watchman, and his highly energetic and mischievous performance. It's a shame that the film gives him (along with fellow veterans Mickey Rooney and Bill Cobbs) very little to do, even when his role in the plot is revealed.
If there is one thing that holds Night at the Museum back, it is that there is just no sense of wonder or magic. For a movie that promises magic in it's very premise, this is hard to forgive. The movie is so busy throwing elaborate special effects and action sequences up on the screen, that it forgets just how wondrous the things it is showing us are, and never stops to let us admire in awe what we are seeing. Though it never bothered me enough to look at the film in a negative light, I often found myself wishing that it would slow down from time to time, and just let us take everything in. Even with a fairly generous running time of just over 100 minutes, the movie seems to fly by in a blink of an eye. The film comes up a bit short in terms of plot, as well. Other than a plot development that occurs during the film's final half hour, there's never any real tension created in the story, and the movie simply consists of Stiller attempting to keep the inhabitants of the Museum under control every night. There are a couple romantic subplots, including one that Larry shares with a woman who works the day shift at the building (played by Carla Gugino), but this is mostly left underdeveloped, which is a shame because there is some sweet chemistry between the two actors during the few scenes they get to share together.
Since the passing of his beloved wife Adrian (played in flashbacks by Talia Shire) a couple years ago after a long bout with a disease, the former two-time boxing champ, Rocky Balboa (Sylvester Stallone) has enjoyed a quiet and laid back existence. He runs a local Itallian restaurant named after his late wife, where he entertains the guests with the stories of his glory days, and spends most of the time reminiscing about the past with brother-in-law Paulie (Burt Young) and trying to connect with his emotionally distant adult son (Milo Ventimiglia). After years of relative obscurity, Balboa is thrust back into the limelight when a computer simulated match up on ESPN concludes that Rocky would win in a fight against the current heavyweight champ, Mason "The Line" Dixon (real life boxer Antonio Tarver making his acting debut). Mason has been having some image problems, and his managers think that a charity match in Vegas with Balboa would be a great boost to his career. As for Rocky himself, he finds he still has some fight left within him, despite those around him thinking that he's crazy for going back into the ring, due to his age.
Apparently, Stallone was not happy with the way 1990's Rocky V turned out, so he wrote the screenplay for Rocky Balboa to give his character the farewell that he felt he deserved. Stallone not only writes and stars, but he directed this entry as well. It's a pretty bold move to resurrect a character who has not appeared on the big screen for 16 years, and with the wrong approach, it could have made the entire film come across as a desperate attempt to squeeze one last bit of juice out of the story. Fortunately, you can tell that Stallone feels too attached to his own creation to do that. Rocky Balboa comes across as a respectful continuation and closing to the story that he stared 30 years ago. This time, the emphasis is not so much on the fighting, but on Rocky himself. With the character supposed to be nearing 60, it adds a new level to the story as he deals with age, how others see him, and how he sees himself in his later years. The movie kind of acts as a time capsule as Rocky looks back on his life over the years, and tries to figure out where he should be going. Longtime fans will most likely enjoy this approach, and view it as a quiet reflection on the series as a whole. Unfortunately, there is just too little to offer those who have not embraced the series as a whole. The movie spends too much time reminiscing, and not enough time moving the story forward. At one point early in the film, Paulie tells Rocky that he's stuck in the past. The same could be said of this movie, which seems to be designed strictly for fans and for fans only. I can understand that Stallone obviously has a deep personal attachment to the story and the characters, but I think he makes a mistake by aiming for too narrow of an audience with this story. Those who have not followed the story from the beginning, or lost interest along the way, will feel like they're missing something.
Because the movie is so bent on pleasing only the fans, the film itself suffers in other areas. The new characters who are introduced in this installment are given second-hand treatment, and generally come across as shallow and underwritten. One of the main subplots in the film is Rocky's budding friendship with a lonely bar waitress and single mother named Marie (Geraldine Hughes) who is struggling to raise her troubled son Steps (James Francis Kelly III). Despite the fact that Rocky and Marie apparently had a chance meeting once when Marie was just a little girl, their relationship never truly connects with the audience, nor does it ever become clear as to why Rocky becomes so attached to her. When Marie asks him why he's so nice to her in one scene, I found myself asking the exact same thing. Marie comes across as being underwritten, and as a stand-in for Adrian during the final fight, as she sits in the audience, wrings her hands together nervously when Rocky is taking a beating, and cheers him on when he's doing well. Her son Steps is even worse, and seems to serve no purpose whatsoever to the story, as the only scene where he gets to share any real dialogue with Rocky is when they're in a city pound picking out a dog. He could have easily been written out of most of the script, and nothing in the movie would have changed at all. There's also a subplot concerning Rocky and the strained relationship with his son, and how the son feels as if he is living in his father's shadow even as an adult. While this could have added some much needed drama to the proceedings, the movie handles this plot very haphazardly, and seems to forget completely about it for most of the movie. When it finally comes time for Rocky and his son to confront each other, the scene doesn't have quite the impact that it should, because it's mainly been ignored up to this point.
None of this will matter much to the long time fans, who will probably just be thrilled to see these classic characters one last time. And indeed, it is certainly nice to see some of them again. Stallone is as likeable as he's ever been in his signature role, and slips immediately back into form. Yeah, Rocky spends a bit too much time philosophizing about life and giving lectures to different people about not giving up and pursuing your dreams, but Stallone's performance has that same rugged tough guy with a not-so secret soft spot that has made the character endure for so long, making him impossible to hate. Series regular Burt Young as Paulie gets a couple good scenes as well, but his character seems strangely unfulfilled, almost as there was supposed to be more to his character but it got left on the editing room floor. I personally would have liked to see a couple more of the old characters return myself. I mean, would it have killed them to give a cameo to Mr. T? They give a cameo to Mike Tyson in this movie, so I say why not? Of the new characters, Geraldine Hughes comes across the best as Marie, even if her character is a bit underdeveloped. She has a likeable screen presence and makes the most out of her limited role. As Rocky's main rival, Antonio Tarver is an intimidating presence, but just like everyone else, he's given very little to do. The movie spends so little time establishing him as a character, he easily becomes the most forgettable rival to ever step in the ring with the Itallian Stallion.
The film is based on the true story of Chris Gardner (Will Smith), a man struggling to get by to support his family, including frustrated wife Linda (Thandie Newton) and 5-year-old son Christopher (played by Smith's real life son, Jaden Christopher Syre Smith). A couple years ago, Chris invested all of his savings into a company that sells devices that test bone density. He's forced to make his way across the city, lugging the massive and bulky devices around, hoping to sell them to hospitals, but business has been bad since the very beginning and show no signs of improving anytime soon. With the bills and other expenses piling up at an alarming rate, Linda reaches the end of her rope, and walks out on Chris. Alone for the first time, Chris must find a way to build a better life for him and his son, and thinks he's found the answer when he learns of an internship program at a large stock broker firm. It is a competitive and cutthroat internship program, and one that pretty much guarantees failure, since only one person of the 20 selected will actually be chosen for a real career. When Chris is eventually evicted from his own apartment, and forced to move both him and his son through a large variety of temporary homes (everything from numerous homeless shelters to an empty men's room in a subway station), he becomes more determined than ever to prove to himself that he's worth more than anyone ever thought.
The Pursuit of Happyness (the alternative spelling of the word "happiness" in the title coming from a graffiti message found near young Christopher's day care) is the kind of formula film that works. It is the way the story is told rather than the story itself that is the key to its success. In making his US movie debut, Itallian filmmaker Gabriele Muccino has brought us a formula movie that works, because it avoids most of the traps that other similar films fall into. The movie strives for a somewhat realistic approach, rather than playing up the melodrama, and the characters are crafted realistically and in a likeable manner. The screenplay by Steve Conrad (The Weather Man) is too smart to fall back on familiar character types. I was especially impressed by how the character of Linda is handled. She is not portrayed as a monster for walking out on her family, but tries to understand her frustrations and her feelings. The movie does not try to vilify or look down upon her. She is simply a woman who has lost faith that things will get better, and can no longer hide her pain behind the forced smile she shows her son. Everything is treated in the same respectable fashion, and the movie never once talks down to us. All of the characters are well rounded and have dimensions, and although the story may be predictable, the movie earns its emotional response by not hitting us over the head with long-winded speeches or an overpowering music score designed to play up the emotion of the scene. The sense of realism can be found right down to the production design, which accurately recreates life in the early 80s due to a number of small touches and props that are taken straight from that point of time.
The strongest asset that The Pursuit of Happyness has is in its depiction of Chris Gardner himself. The movie is wise not to whitewash his character, or make him so much of a "saint" that we find the story hard to swallow. Chris is a flawed human being, and one that anyone struggling through life is sure to identify with. He becomes frustrated and sometimes takes his anger out on his son in a fit of yelling, he is once forced to flee from a cab when he discovers he doesn't have enough money to pay for the ride, and he often comes close to breaking down. Through it all, it is his determination and spirit that carries him through, and he comes across as a genuine individual instead of an overly glorified movie depiction of a real person. A lot of this credit goes to Will Smith, who gives an Award-worthy performance that immediately grabs our attention. It gets to the point that we feel we are not watching Will Smith playing a struggling single father, that's how completely he is able to disappear into his character. He never once draws attention to himself or steps out of character, and he is constantly believable and heartfelt in both his performance and his line delivery. There is a small scene where Chris is forced to take shelter in a public men's room, and is holding onto his sleeping son, as he attempts to hold onto what little faith he has left in himself. A lesser movie would have played up the melodrama of this moment, but this movie plays it small and honest, and his heartbreak is clear to see on his face without a single line of dialogue.
Having Will Smith's actual son play his character's son in the movie initially sounds like a desperate piece of stunt casting, and could have endangered the movie had it not worked out right. Fortunately, young Jaden Christopher Syre Smith knows how to be an appropriate little scene stealer without coming across as an overly cute or forced "movie kid". He gets a few difficult dramatic scenes, such as the sequences where he struggles to understand what is happening to his father and him, and why they are forced to move around so much. He is natural in front of the camera, and never seems to be playing or mugging for the screen. The supporting cast is equally strong, with everyone hitting the proper notes. The bosses at the stock broker firm are well rounded, and never come across as being overly stuffy, or overly sympathetic to Chris' plight, either. They come across as being just as genuine as the main characters, and include some fine performances from Brian Howe as the man who initially gives Chris the opportunity to take the internship, and cartoon voice actor Dan Castellaneta (best known as the voice of Homer Simpson) making a rare live action appearance as the teacher of the internship course.
Like the much better fantasy films that inspired it, Eragon begins with a land in turmoil as an evil ruler holds the people in constant fear. The evil ruler this time around is the rather generic King Galbatorix (John Malkovich), who has conquered the land with his vast army of demons and monsters, and now pretty much sits around in his castle, looking bored. As is to be expected, there is a prophecy that speaks of a "Dragon Rider" who will lead an uprising of people, and overthrow the king's rule. This idea does not appeal to Galbatorix, so he keeps the last-known dragon egg (which looked more like an oversized jelly bean, or perhaps a really big cold medicine tablet to me) hidden in his castle so that it can never find a "Rider". A brave young Princess named Arya (Sienna Guillory) manages to steal the egg, but is captured by the King's evil wizard Durza (Robert Carlyle) shortly after escaping. Fortunately, Princess Arya is able to cast a spell that teleports the dragon egg to a very convenient place, into the hands of innocent young farmboy Eragon (Edward Speleers). It seems that this very bland blonde-haired pretty boy who has the personality of a hunk of wood is the "Rider" the legends speak of. The egg hatches, revealing a dragon named Saphira, who eventually bonds with the boy telepathtically. (The dragon's telepathic "voice" being provided by Rachel Weisz.) Shortly thereafter, Galbatorix's demons start coming after Eragon. He must team up with a wise old warrior named Brom (Jeremy Irons) who will train the future Dragon Rider in combat so that he will be strong enough to lead a small band of rebels, rescue the Princess, and usher in a new film franchise that will make oodles of money for the Fox studio, provided people are stupid enough to fall for this movie.
The Eragon series began as a series of books that were written by a teenager named Christopher Paolini, and found a large audience with young readers hooked on the fantasy craze thanks to the Lord of the Rings films and the Harry Potter series. I have not read the books, so I cannot say with any certainty if the novels are as derivative or uninspired as this film adaptation is. The story does certainly read like it came from the mind of a teen who spent too much time watching Star Wars and playing fantasy RPG video games, and somehow got lucky enough to have his story get published. Eragon does not have a single original thought in its head, nor does it have a single moment we cannot predict, because we've literally seen everything before. We can predict who is going to live or die almost the second they walk onto the screen, because we've seen the exact same character types in other movies. The difference between this movie and the ones that it blatantly steals from is that these characters don't have a shred of life or personality within them. Everyone is simply going through the motions, acting exactly the way we expect them to, almost as if they've been preprogrammed and had anything resembling a personality removed from their souls before filming began. What few relationships the movie does decide to focus on (such as the one between Eragon and his dragon Saphira, or the one between Eragon and Princess Arya) come across as completely shallow and almost as a mere afterthought. The movie keeps on stressing that a Dragon Rider will grow stronger as his bond with his dragon grows, but because both Eragon and his dragon essentially stay the same way throughout the film, we never get the sense of a deep bond that I think the filmmakers intended.
Any chance of Eragon becoming a film franchise literally disappears right up there on the screen when you see how ineptly everything has been thrown together. The story is sometimes an incoherent mess, with things happening so quickly and with no explanation. (How the heck does Saphira the dragon grow from a weak little infant to a full-grown majestic beast in the course of less than two minutes?) There are also some very humorous plot holes, such as the way old warrior Brom somehow manages to show up to save young Eragon's life, even though the kid left him miles and miles behind, and there's absolutely no way the guy should have been able to make it to where Eragon was, unless he somehow possesses the magic of teleportation and the movie forgot to tell us. Everything is so completely underwhelming, you often wonder if the filmmakers were even trying. Eragon's world looks like it wishes it could be the Middle Earth depicted in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy, the dragon itself never quite convinces and looks more like a video game character than a flesh and blood creature, and the evil demons are severely disappointing, most of them either looking like Swamp Thing's distant relatives or professional wrestling rejects that have been told to roll around in the mud so they'd look more menacing. The climactic battle between Galbatorix's army and the rebels is less than inspiring, goes on for all of five minutes (if even that), and seems to be over mere moments after it starts. It certainly doesn't help that we could care less about the plight of the rebels, since Eragon met them less than 10 minutes before the battle begins. I'm going to give the original novel's author the benefit of the doubt, and assume that this is a severely hacked screenplay that rushes through the book's main plot points in a desperate attempt to tell the story.
Equally uninspiring is the cast, who simply cannot breathe life into the characters, no matter how much they may try. Newcomer Edward Speleers makes a very disappointing screen debut as the film's title hero. He fits the standard young hero type physically, but there is no life in his performance. Of course, it would help if his character's dialogue wasn't comprised almost entirely out of pointing out the obvious. Much like young Mr. Speleers, Sienna Guillory is pretty and looks the part of the Princess being held captive, but the script gives her nothing to do or say. Jeremy Irons at least tries to bring some talent to his portrayal of the wizened warrior Brom, but his character exists simply to explain the film's backstory to both Eragon and the audience, almost to the point that he comes across as a Narrator who somehow wandered into the story. Even the lead villain roles are completely forgettable, as these are easily the most uninspired villains to disgrace a feature film in many a moon. John Malkovich bellows his lines and bulges his eyes as the evil King Galbatorix, screaming about how he wants Eragon dead, but he literally does absolutely nothing during the film's entire running time. The film's final scene hints that he will play a larger role in the next film, but we find it hard to care when we see how uninteresting he is throughout this movie. As the king's head dark wizard (or "Shade" as the movie refers to him as), Robert Carlyle looks kind of like the long lost relative of Marilyn Manson with his gore-faced goth make up, and never comes across as a serious threat no matter how much he hisses as he recites his lines. The biggest disappointment to me was how flat Rachel Weisz sounds as the voice of the dragon. She is a fine actress, but she sounds downright bored whenever she "talks" to Eragon through his mind.
For you sad, deprived souls who went through childhood having never read the book, the story centers on Wilbur (voiced by 10-year old Dominic Scott Kay), a pig who is born the runt of the litter, and is spared the chopping block when the farmer's preteen daughter Fern (Dakota Fanning) takes pity on the creature, and volunteers to take care of him as her own. Wilbur doesn't stay a runt for very long, and eventually, Fern is forced to send the pig to the farm owned by her Uncle Zuckerman (Gary Basaraba) across the road, as he can no longer live inside a house. Wilbur spends some carefree days on the farm, making friends with the local barn animals and enjoying daily visits from Fern, until the farm rat Templeton (voice by Steve Buscemi) clues Wilbur in on his fate come Christmas time, and the Zuckerman family start craving a pork dinner. Fortunately for young Wilbur, he has unknowingly been watched since the day he arrived on the farm by a kind and intelligent barn spider named Charlotte A. Cavatica (voice by Julia Roberts). The two begin an unlikely, yet true, friendship, and Charlotte makes it her mission to make sure that Wilbur can live a full life. With the spider's help, Wilbur will learn many valuable life lessons, including how to let go of a friend when the time comes.
Whenever a beloved story is brought to the screen, there is always that slight hint of fear that something may be lost in the translation. For Charlotte's Web, that fear disappears almost from the moment the studio logos fade, and we hear a narrator (voiced by Sam Shepard) setting up the story in just the right way. Director Gary Winick (13 Going on 30) and screenwriters Susannah Grant (In Her Shoes, Erin Brockovich) and Karey Kirkpatrick (Over the Hedge) are able to capture the true essence of the story, without staying so slavishly faithful to the novel that it feels like they copied every last word into the screenplay. This is a tricky balancing act for any adaptation, and this movie pulls it off almost effortlessly. What's equally astonishing is that despite the presence of a large star-studded cast and top rate special effects, the story never becomes lost or overwhelmed, and remains constantly in the center of the film so that we don't lose sight of it. Some of the actors who lend their voice talents as the various animals in and around Zuckerman's farm include John Cleese, Oprah Winfrey, Cedric the Entertainer, Kathy Bates, Reba McEnitre, Robert Redford, and Thomas Haden Church. Unlike some other films that boast an all star voice cast, they never become a distraction and they never get lost in the shuffle. While I wouldn't exactly call most of the outside animals "developed", they are given enough screen time to come across as memorable, and each one gets at least one or two of their own stand out line that made me smile.
Of course, it is the relationship of Wilbur and Charlotte that is most important to the story, and this is brought to life not only by the respectful screenplay, but by the wonderful vocal performances that help bring the characters to life. Julia Roberts may not seem to be the ideal choice as the quiet and wise spider, but she instantly feels right the second you hear her voice from the rafters of the barn. There is a certain "motherly" tone to her voice that fits the character, but never comes across as cloying or overly sweet. Her final scenes are handled maturely and with grace, as Roberts finds the perfect tone to describe to Wilbur what is happening to her character so as not to frighten young children in the audience. As Wilbur the pig, child actor Dominic Scott Kay is a real find, and always delivers the right line readings and emotion for every scene. Here's hoping the strong roles continue to come his way, so that he does not become a faded star as he gets older. More so than the fine performances, it is the special effects that seamlessly blend live animal footage with computer animation, that give the various creatures of the farm their unique personality. The effects artists never go so overboard that the animals appear to be acting like humans, but still give the proper illusion that they can talk or faint on cue. The effects also never become overwhelming, so that we don't spend too much time wondering how they were done, instead of focusing on the story being told.
In terms of supporting performances, no one quite matches the perfect chemistry of leads Roberts and Kay, but everyone is clearly giving it their all. Dakota Fanning, unquestionably the hardest working child actor today, delivers yet another fine performance as Fern, but she is given very little to do in the story once she is forced to give up Wilbur. I wouldn't go so far as to say that the limited role is beneath her, but still, just about any capable child star could have played the part just as well, and her casting was most likely simply so that they could put one more headlining name above the title. Of the supporting animal characters, Steve Buscemi easily gets the most attention as the shifty, yet secretly kind-hearted rat, Templeton, and therefore comes across the strongest. His voice fits the character to a tee, and is even able to deliver more than his share of groan-worthy pun lines without it coming across as cheesy or stupid. Outside of the film's performances, it is the general look and overall production of the movie that gives it so much warmth. From the beautifully shot farm landscapes, to the very fitting music score by famed composer Danny Elfman, everything comes together to create the proper mood and tone in just about every scene.
Our rogue hero is Danny Archer (Leonardo DiCaprio), a former African mercenary turned trader who specializes in smuggling diamonds out of Sierra Leone to overseas dealers. The movie's main message is that many of the diamonds mined in Africa and sold in jewelry stores here in the US are the result of bloodshed, slavery and cruelty. We witness this first-hand when the simple African fisherman Solomon Vandy (Djimon Hounsou) is captured by rebels who force him into slavery to dig and panhandle for precious stones to further their cause. When the government stages a raid on the rebel group, Solomon is mistaken for one of them, and is sent to prison, coincidentally the same one Danny is currently confined to after one of his smuggling attempts went bust. In prison, Danny happens to hear that Solomon discovered and hid a particularly large diamond right before his arrest. When the two men get out of prison, Danny is forced to make an uneasy alliance with Solomon if he wants to get his hands on the diamond. He promises to help the fisherman find the family that he was separated from when the rebels initially captured him and attacked his village if Solomon will show him where he hid the diamond. The two are later joined by a spirited young American journalist named Maddy Bowen (Jennifer Connelly), who is in Africa to report the truth about "blood diamonds", and the money that is being made overseas off of the violence in Africa.
Blood Diamond is a movie that wants to make us think twice the next time we're in a jewelry store, and think about where some of these diamonds on display initially came from. What it basically boils down to is that it is a two and a half hour guilt trip disguised as a spirited African adventure movie. That doesn't mean that the movie does not work. There are many moments in this film that are downright eye-opening and almost hypnotic in its depiction of cruelty. The key moments of the film that really knock the wind out of the viewer are when we get to see how violent African rebel groups kidnapping young children, then turning them into soulless killers, giving them weapons training, and forcing them to target practice on live "dummies" until they are completely desensitized and brainwashed by the beliefs of the group. We witness this as Solomon's oldest son is kidnapped in another raid, and we see how he gradually loses his humanity as he is drugged and manipulated into joining the rebels. It is merciless in its depiction of children killing innocent people with glee, and makes for some of the most horrifying imagery to hit screens in recent memory. While these images are undeniably powerful, they are surrounded by an unfocused screenplay by Charles Leavitt (K-Pax) that doesn't know if it wants to be an eye-opening expose on the dirty deeds of mainstream jewelry dealers, a terrifying look at the turmoil going on in Africa (which has already been depicted in many recent films such as The Constant Gardener, Hotel Rwanda, and Catch a Fire), or an old fashioned adventure movie. It tries to be all of these things, and because it can never decide on a consistent tone, the movie ends up developing a multiple personality disorder.
While the film's intentions are noble, and it contains many unforgettable moments, it also is brought down by the "epic" quality that director Zwick brings to the entire story. You get the feeling that perhaps a smaller or more personal approach would have benefitted this story more, but anyone who has seen one of Zwick's past films know that this is not his style. He doesn't simply want to tell us what's going on in Africa, he wants to hammer the point home with numerous long-winded speeches where the characters talk about the situation in such a scripted manner that dialogue exchanges start to sound like public service announcements. The characters frequently break the action to talk about what's going on around them, and although it's supposed to open up the eyes of the audience, it comes across as forced, unnatural and overly-scripted. The film's depiction of its main characters don't help much, as they seem to have come from a writer's handbook on how to write a jungle adventure movie. The character of Danny is your charming rogue who chain smokes and tries to talk his way out of any situation, Solomon is your standard silent black man role who only talks when he is spoken to, refers to everyone as "boss", and is so single-minded in his determination in finding his family that the script forgets to tell us anything else about him, and Maddy is your typical female heroine type for this kind of movie who is feisty and spirited, able to resist the charms of the rough Danny at first, but soon finds herself falling for him. We've seen these character types many times before, and they only help add to the overall feeling that the storytelling is too artificial and overly plotted for its own good. Everything seems like its been planned with the utmost care, when it is the film's grittier and chaotic moments that wind up being the most memorable. If the movie had kept the terrifyingly honest tone that it holds during the scenes depicting the lives of the rebels, this could have been one of the great films of the year.
Despite the fact that the lead characters are underdeveloped cliches, the performances are top notch just about all across the board. Leonardo DiCaprio delivers yet another trademark fine performance, even if his accent that he is forced to use throughout the film is somewhat suspect at times. He plays the character of Danny in somewhat of a gray area, neither as a hero nor as a villain. Yes, he's mainly interested in himself and in finding the diamond that Solomon hid for his own purposes, but he is still able to make the character sympathetic without completely whitewashing over the negative aspects of his role. Djimon Hounsou is a powerful presence during some of his more dramatic scenes, but he is sorely underused, and forced to spend a lot of his scenes standing in the background, watching DiCaprio and Connelly talk to each other. Speaking of Connelly, her character seems to be rendered almost useless due to the fact that she is forced to leave the movie about half way through, and not appear again until the end. Still, during the moments she is on screen, she has good chemistry with DiCaprio and is able to create a likeable, if not cliched, heroine. Still, you have to wonder how she manages to stay so beautiful and dirt-free when she's running through the jungles and deserts of Africa, getting shot at by rebels, and plowing her way down mud and blood-covered roads. Despite the big names headlining the movie, the key stand out performance belongs to young Kagiso Kuypers who plays Solomon's son, Dia. His change from humble son to cold blooded killer for the rebel army is chilling and realistic, and he is able to handle many very difficult scenes with grace.
Set during the final days of the Mayan culture, the film focuses on a man named Jaguar Paw (Rudy Youngblood). He lives a simple life in a remote jungle village, and is only trying to create a peaceful existence for his pregnant wife and young son. Early one morning, his village is attacked by a bloodthirsty Mayan army who slaughter most of the villagers, capture the rest, and plan to take the survivors back to their city to either sell as slaves or offer as a sacrifice to their god. Jaguar Paw is captured by the invaders, but not before he is able to ensure the safety of his family by having them hide in a deep hole during the attack. In the city of his captors, he is able to escape his fate of death and flees into the jungle, his captors close behind him in pursuit. His only desire is to outsmart his enemies, and find a way back to the waiting family that he left behind.
It's certainly a testament to Mel Gibson's popularity that he was able to convince the Disney-owned Touchstone Pictures to greenlight a multi-million dollar movie that features absolutely no big name stars whatsoever, and where the entire dialogue is spoken in a different language with English subtitles. Sure, he did the same thing with Passion of the Christ, but that was an independent film. This is a big studio release movie, and it certainly shows just what kind of power the guy has. As a filmmaker, Gibson certainly shows what he can do with Apocalypto. The movie is expertly filmed, and contains many sequences of beauty, terror, and sheer emotional power just with his images alone. He is able to use his settings to establish just the right mood, everything from the peaceful beauty of the jungle, right down to the smoldering ruins of past villages that the bloodthirsty army had attacked in the past. The movie certainly does not flinch away from the gore, either. However, Gibson is smarter than just using gore as a way to shock or horrify. The violence is necessary in telling the story, and although it can sometimes be overwhelming (such as a lengthy sequence where a group of men have their hearts ripped out, then their heads cut off), it can also be powerful and sad. A good example of this is a scene shortly after Jaguar Paw escapes from his captors, and stumbles upon a giant pit filled with headless corpses, all past villagers who were dragged from their homes in order to be sacrificed, just as his people were. Gibson wisely does not linger on the carnage, he simply lets us see the true darkness of the moment, and then moves on. It is a brief yet powerful moment that would have lost its effect had it lingered longer.
While I praise Gibson's vision, it is the story that accompanies the visuals that I find less than thrilling. The film is at its best during the opening moments, depicting the life of Jaguar Paw's village. Even during the attack on his village, I was still completely enthralled, fascinated in where the story was going to be taking me. My fascination quickly subsided when I began to realize that even the screenplay itself doesn't seem to know. The movie spends far too long depicting the journey to the Mayan city, where not much happens. When the movie arrived at the city, my interest picked up once again, and stayed up during the entire time as we witnessed the cruelty that the villagers are subjected to, and how the people of the city are manipulated into believing that their cruel actions are right and meant to appease their god. Then, as soon as Jaguar Paw escapes, the movie once again meanders for the entire rest of its running time. The movie becomes a non-stop chase as Jaguar Paw is pursued by his captors, and he slowly kills them one by one, luring them into traps or simply outsmarting them. It is during this point that Apocalypto really started to annoy me, because it turns into a brainless video game of a movie that is all action and almost no dialogue whatsoever. The villains are boring, because we learn absolutely nothing about them, so we feel nothing when they meet whatever grisly fate they happen to meet. The entire chase strangely never connects. We know that Jaguar Paw is trying to get back to the family that he left behind, but we find very little reason to care, because the movie never truly digs deep enough. The fact that the chase goes on for a good 40 to 50 minutes non stop doesn't help matters, and veers dangerously close to becoming overkill. For a movie to start out so strongly and sure of itself in depicting an old way of life, it certainly cops out when it turns into an imitation of an empty action movie.
Amanda (Cameron Diaz) and Iris (Kate Winslet) are two women who live on different sides of the world, but both are in desperate need in a change of scenery. Amanda, who is a Hollywood ad executive in L.A., has just broken up with her unfaithful boyfriend (Edward Burns), and Iris, a journalist over in England, is not doing very well coming to grips with the fact that the man she has longed for the past three years (Rufus Sewell) is set to be engaged with another woman. While surfing the Internet for a far off getaway, Amanda happens to see an ad placed by Iris who wishes to "switch lives" with someone else in the hopes of simply escaping from their individual problems. For two weeks, Amanda will live in Iris' cozy English cottage, while Iris will come to L.A. and live in Amanda's mansion home. Not long after the two women switch homes, two men enter their individual lives who may offer a fresh start after their previous failed relationships. For Amanda, she meets with Iris' charming brother Graham (Jude Law) shortly after arriving, and quickly realizes that there is a definite connection. As for Iris in L.A., she finds herself drawn to a sweet young film music composer named Miles (Jack Black), and even strikes up a friendship with an old man who lives nearby named Arthur (Eli Wallach), who is a legendary screenwriter from the golden age of Hollywood.
The central romance and the whole "life swapping" idea that drives the central plot of The Holiday could have been horribly contrived and tacky in the wrong hands. The screenplay wisely is able to avoid most "fish out of water" jokes as the women try to adjust to their new lives, although Meyers can't help but put at least a couple into her script, such as when Amanda has trouble driving down the opposite side of the street when she's in England. Thankfully, the movie does it best to steer clear of the usual contrivances we've come to expect, and instead gives us two separate relationships that are given a generous amount of time to develop, thanks to Meyers' often smart and real dialogue. The characters are given ample opportunity to grow and develop so that we can learn to like them, know them, and feel a certain connection to them. The individual relationships that both Amanda and Iris find themselves in are also treated with the same amount of care. Although at first I felt that Amanda's relationship with Graham was going a bit too fast, it does eventually become very satisfying when we realize that there is much more to Graham than just being a charming and handsome man who prefers a one night stand to a long-term relationship, which is how he at first comes across. Graham is eventually able to come across as a real person with genuine feelings and emotions, as is Amanda, and we begin to realize just how they can work as a couple. And although Iris' relationship with Miles gets less screen time than Amanda's, we are still able to develop a genuine affection for the characters and actually want to see them get together by the end. That's because the movie is able to rise above the standard cliche romantic comedy formula of the characters having a "meet cute", then they face a crisis that threatens to break them apart forever, only to have them go rushing back into each other's arms, either in the rain or at an airport moments before one of them is about to leave.
Perhaps the reason why The Holiday is able to avoid the standard cliches of the genre is because it understands that they are cliches, and has the characters actually talk about the formulas of movies in their dialogue. This is the first time I've actually heard a movie acknowledge a meeting between two characters as a "meet cute" in its dialogue. More than the two main relationships that carry the movie, it is the sweet and honest relationship between Iris and Arthur, the aging screenwriter, that really took me completely by surprise. Here is a movie where characters can talk about their love of movies, and not have it come across as corny or satirical. These references to other movies in the film's dialogue are not satirical or "hip" in any way, but rather, we feel like we are listening to a conversation about two people who love the art of film. This is a glorious thing, and I often found myself nodding my head in agreement with many of their conversations. I also love the way that the character of Miles gives some much needed respect to often overlooked film composers in his dialogue, since he is a film composer himself. There is a scene in a video store where Miles is talking about great music scores, past and present, with Iris, and although the scene comes dangerously close to being overly cute (especially a funny, but somewhat cheesy, cameo from Dustin Hoffman), we can still sense the genuine love in the dialogue for the topic at hand. It's very rare that a movie actually have its characters talk about their love of movies, and the power that they can hold on an audience. Other films have been quoted in dialogue before, or they've acknowledged cliches, but this is the most genuine depiction of film love that I've seen in a movie in a while.
It certainly helps that the cast is great all around, with hardly a weak link to be found. Both Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet are charming and funny, although Winslet won me over just a bit more. She came across as slightly more sympathetic all the way through, whereas Diaz seemed a bit over the top during the film's first half, only to have her character become more grounded in reality as the film went on. I did like some of the fantasy touches with her character, such as how she envisions the events of her life as a movie trailer from time to time, complete with an announcer. Winslet is also much better at body language, and expressing the sheer joy she experiences when she is exploring her new temporary home, or when she finally comes to a realization about the previous man in her life before she met Miles. As for the male leads, Jude Law is likeable throughout, and becomes even more so when the script reveals a few extra details to help us sympathize with him more. Jack Black gives a surprisingly sweet and vulnerable turn as Miles, proving that he certainly has what it takes to be a serious leading man. (A role I personally would like to see him pursue after seeing this film.) Finally, Eli Wallach gets many of the film's best scenes as the aging screenwriter who befriends Iris. His dialogue where he talks about the old days of Hollywood compared to today come across as tender and honest, instead of spiteful.
The film is set during the 24 hour period from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day. A major snow storm hits the local area, grounding all flights at Hoover International Airport. As the passengers settle in for a night of waiting for the first morning flight the next day, the unaccompanied minors who are supposed to be traveling by themselves are sent to a room away from the adults. Five of the kids decide to break out of the room, and have some fun exploring the airport on their own. These kids include all-around everyman Spencer (Dyllan Christopher), pampered "princess" Grace (Gina Mantegna), tough talking tomboy Donna (Quinn Shephard), overweight outcast Timothy (Brett Kelly), and straight-laced Charlie (Tyler James Williams). Their break out is discovered by the Scrooge-like head of the airport, Oliver (Lewis Black), who naturally hates kids and hates Christmas. As the kids attempt to avoid detection from Oliver and his squad of inept security staff, they learn to put their differences aside and work together in order to help Spencer reach his younger sister Katherine (Dominique Saldana), who is holed up at a nearby hotel, and is worried that Santa won't be able to find her away from home.
Unaccompanied Minors plays by a wide variety of rules. Sometimes it wants to be a movie that speaks honestly and openly about preteens who either feel ignored by their parents, or simply feel like they don't fit in anywhere. Here, the movie takes on a vibe that almost sets the movie up to be kind of like a Breakfast Club for the preteen set, as the kids set aside their personal differences and social backgrounds, and talk openly with each other about their fears and personal problems. Most of the time, however, the movie wants to be a wild slapstick chase as the kids constantly outrun, abuse, and outwit a group of apparently mentally challenged airport staff. For a movie that wants to tug at the heart strings and spread Christmas cheer, it often helps if we can relate to what we are watching up there on the screen. Unaccompanied Minors is so out of touch with reality that it almost seems to be set on another planet. Consider and ponder to yourself some of these moments taken from the film...
-How is another kid able to stuff himself inside a suitcase, only to have some security officers pick it up, mistaking it as unclaimed baggage, and not hear the kid's moans and screams from inside the luggage as they carry it over to a conveyor belt? The scene gets even better as it depicts the kid's extremely dangerous journey as he is smashed by mechanical pressers, and dropped a good ten or twenty feet down pits and onto large piles of unclaimed bags. Of course, when the other kids discover him and free him the suitcase, he is perfectly fine without a scratch on him. I understand that this is a brainless kid's comedy and everything, but to assume that anyone could survive what this kid goes through and not be the least bit traumatized is pushing it even by this movie's standards.
-And I thought Deck the Halls had a climax that was hard to swallow. Along comes this movie to prove just how big of a fool I am. The film's villain, Oliver, has spent the entire movie relentlessly chasing after the kids, getting smashed in the face, punched in the stomach, falling over luggage, and sent down a dangerous bobsled chase after the children that climaxes with a crash that would kill most people, but in this movie, simply gives him a bloody nose. When he finally confronts the lead kid Spencer at the end, the kid hands him a novelty snow globe as a peace offering. This is apparently exactly what was needed to melt the old miser's heart, and fill it with Christmas cheer, not to mention completely forgetting the hell Spencer and his friends have put him through during the past 24 hours. This simple act fills Oliver with so much Christmas cheer that the next time we see him, he's dressed up as Santa Claus, and is handing out presents to all the passengers who were traveling alone for the holidays. Don't ask where he got the money to give presents to the hundreds of people, or where all the presents came from. And don't worry if you fear I've given away the ending, as the climax goes on for another 10 minutes after this point, and includes some even more implausible developments. I'll leave you to discover those on your own, should you see this movie.
Because the original film's leading man, Ryan Reynolds, was too busy making garbage like The Amityville Horror remake and Waiting to appear in this sequel, we're stuck with Kal Penn, who played Reynolds' Indian sidekick Taj in the last film, as the star this time around. To be fair, Penn has proven that he can carry a movie with the stoner comedy cult classic Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. But here, he is saddled with a script so lame that it is sometimes insulting. The story centers on Taj as he travels overseas to England to continue his education, and pass on the wisdom of his former mentor, Van Wilder, to just about anyone who will stop and listen. (The character of Van Wilder does not appear in this movie, but Taj literally never shuts up about him, so it almost feels like Ryan Reynolds is in this movie in spirit form.) When he arrives at his new college, he is immediately rejected by the stuffy fraternity that rules the campus and is led by the stuck up Pipp Everett (Daniel Percival). Instead, Taj finds himself in a run down dorm house known as "The Barn" that is made up entirely out of a small group of cliched college losers including the nerdy Gethin (Anthony Cozens), the large-breasted Sadie (Holly Davidson), an angry Scotsman named Seamus (Glen Berry), and a video game obsessed mute named Simon (Steven Rathman). Naturally, the sorry residents of The Barn are picked on by the snobbish Pipp and his friends, so Taj decides to change all that by passing on Van Wilder's wisdom onto his new friends, and turning them into proud winners who can hold their heads up high.
The whole "unpopular kids rising up to beat the popular kids at their own game" storyline is as old as the campus comedy itself, and Van Wilder 2 does absolutely nothing to set it apart from the crowd. The only thing it manages to do is make you look fondly back at the movies that were actually able to pull the idea off. You could pretty much watch any college comedy from the 80s, make a check list of all the things you saw, and you'll see them all over again in Van Wilder 2, only a lot lamer and with much less energy and enthusiasm. Does the movie feature a love interest for Taj who is initially in love with the bully villain, only to have her slowly realize that her current boyfriend is a jerk, and the much nicer "loser" characters are a better fit for her? You bet it does. Does the movie lead up to a competition between the two dorm houses where they have to compete in a series of campus games? Come on, you probably already know the answer. Will the bully villain try to discredit the hero by planting stolen test answers, and attempt to get Taj expelled by bringing this to the attention of the school's head Dean? I'm sure the answer to this question will come as a surprise to anyone who has not watched a campus comedy movie made in the last 25 years or so. Scene after dreary scene, the movie piles on the genre cliches as if they were somehow going out of style. Never mind the fact that you can practically see the mold growing on these old plot points, or that many of these cliches have already been skewered on TV shows like The Simpsons. What's worse is that not only can actor-turned-screenwriter David Drew Gallagher not think of a single funny thing to do with these aspects, but that he actually expects the audience to take them seriously.
I'm serious when I say that there's very little humor to be found in Van Wilder 2, and what little there is winds up being of the tired slapstick variety (Taj takes a paintball to the groin), or is simply lame and pathetic. In this film, Taj is not so much a character in a teen sex farce as he is a motivational speaker. He is constantly spewing lengthy speeches about the wisdom Van Wilder passed down to him, or encouraging everyone around him not to give up on their dreams that he hardly has time to say anything funny. Well, okay, I take it back, he does get one line that made me laugh, but that joke was already given away in the trailer, so that doesn't count. They may as well have cast Dr. Phil in the main role, since Taj spends so much time helping out other people with their problems. For what is supposed to be a raunchy teen sex comedy, there is surprisingly little raunch and/or sex to be found. Aside from the film's opening scene on an airplane, a scene set at a dog show that contains the film's sole gross out gag, and a party at Taj's dorm house late in the film, this movie could have easily walked away with a PG-13 rating. Something tells me the audience that would be drawn to a film such as this will be very disappointed by the movie's mysterious lack of sex and gross humor. And when it does give the intended audience what it wants, it is usually immediately forgettable. Nothing works in this movie, and it almost seems as if director Mort Nathan (Boat Trip) was simply at a loss at how to stage a successful comedy sequence. Then again, maybe this is not surprising to those of you who have seen Mr. Nathan's last film.
Since he is given so little to do, Kal Penn is completely wasted in a thankless lead role. Still, it's hard to feel sorry for him, especially since not only does he star in this movie, but he is also credited as one of the Executive Producers in the opening credits. That means he has no one to blame but himself. He does what he can, and he is at least able to show a sliver of personality (something nobody else who wanders onto the screen gets to do), but if he keeps on appearing in stuff like this, his career will be over before too long. The rest of the cast is blandly nondescript, and refuse to make even the slightest bit of impression. Everyone looks like they're simply going through the motions, hoping that the movie will be over soon. With such a bland cast, my attention started to turn to other things, hoping that I could find at least something to hold my interest. In the end, all I could come up with is that some of the scenery was nice, and the film's soundtrack was a lot more lively and fun than anything that happens in the movie itself.
When teenage villager Mary (Keisha Castle-Hughes from Whale Rider) is visited by the Angel Gabriel (Alexander Siddig), and informed that she will give birth to the Son of God, she is faced with the difficult situation of how to explain it to her family. They have just arranged her to marry local man Joseph (Oscar Isaac), and she is required to remain "pure" and untouched until the day of their wedding. When Mary starts to show signs of pregnancy, rumors fly amongst her family and other villagers. Joseph is alarmed at first, but decides to stand by Mary's side when he is visited by Gabriel in a dream who calms his fears. The two embark on a long journey to the town of Bethlehem after the treacherous King Herod (Ciaran Hinds) orders a census that forces all the local villagers to return to their place of birth. The census is all part of a plan Herod is brewing in order to stop a prophecy from being fulfilled that speaks of a mesiah being born who will overthrow his rule. In another subplot, three wise men (Nadim Sawalha, Eriq Ebouaney and Stefan Kalipha) are following a star that they feel will lead them to the destined mesiah.
For what is supposed to be an uplifting and inspiring film that reminds us of the true meaning of the holiday season, The Nativity Story falls short in just about every aspect. Director Catherine Hardwicke (Lords of Dogtown) films the entire story with a curious lack of interest. The story of Christ's birth is being told, but nobody's heart seems to be into it. Screenwriter Mike Rich (Radio) does not liven things up very much with his extremely dry and slow moving script. The characters are kept at a complete distance from the audience, and there never seems to be any tension in the story, even with King Herod trying to track the baby down, and murdering dozens of innocent youths in his quest to find the child spoken of in the prophecy. That's because either the movie completely shies away from any tension the story might bring, or it simply pretends it doesn't exist by cutting away from the danger for so long. A good part of the movie is made up simply of Mary and Joseph's trip to Bethlehem, and the worst thing that ever happens is that Mary nearly drowns after the mule she's riding on is frightened by a snake, and throws her off into a body of water. She is rescued by Joseph less than a minute later, and then the movie goes right back into its comfortable routine of the characters making their way to their destination so slowly you'd think they had invisible lead weights tied to their legs. Even when the film reaches the point that the entire story has been building up to, and the Baby Jesus is born, it does not connect with us in any way, due to the bizarre stone-faced reaction of the adult cast who surround the child. They could have replaced the cast with some of those light up nativity scene figures you find on front lawns of peoples' homes every Christmas, and you'd get the same level of performance that these flesh and blood actors give.
The movie does try to liven things up by making the three wise men the comedy relief. Yes, you heard me right, the story interrupts the journey of Mary and Joseph on their way to Bethlehem with routine comedy sequences that seem somewhat out of place and forced. They comically bicker amongst themselves about which way they're going, and other things. Does the story of the birth of Christ really need comic relief? To be fair, the characters are taken seriously in some of their scenes, but when the movie cuts away simply to display their antics, it screams out in desperation that Mike Rich needed something to pad out his screenplay in order to fill a 100 minute running time. The entire script seems padded, as so many scenes have little if anything to do with the story at hand. And outside subplots, such as King Herod's search for the child or Mary's cousin Elizabeth (Shohreh Aghdashloo) going through her own miracle birth as she brings John the Baptist into the world, are so underwritten and underdeveloped that they almost seem to be afterthoughts. These plots do play a role in the story, but they and the characters that inhabit them are not developed in any satisfying way. Oddly enough, The Nativity Story comes across as if it is not even all that interested in telling its own story. We feel like we are simply getting bits and pieces of the least satisfying parts of the story.
Much like everything else in the film, the cast seems oddly uninterested and uninvolved, which really makes it hard to care about anything that's going on. As Mary, 16-year old Keisha Castle-Hughes shows none of the potential she displayed in her Oscar nominated performance in Whale Rider. She is severely stiff, seems to switch back and forth between two or three facial expressions, and spends a lot of scenes with her head hung down or looking at her feet. Oscar Isaac holds up a little bit better as Joseph, as he is at least able to display a wider range of emotions in his performance. But he still holds very little if any chemistry with his female co-star. Also surprising is the dull performance by the usually reliable Shohreh Aghdashloo, who was so memorable a couple years ago in House of Sand and Fog, but here seems as if she's having a hard time mustering up emotion with her underwritten role. As the three wise men, the actors possess neither the comic timing nor the sense of importance in their journey to make the characters work the way they are written. They simply come across as a distraction, rather than an actual part of the story.
