Walking into Norbit, my spirits were pretty good. The work week was over, the sun was shining, and it was actually starting to feel a little bit warmer after a long string of below zero weather. I purchased my ticket, bought my usual small soda, and settled in my seat, ready to be entertained. Then the movie started, and my heart sunk the very second the film's star, Eddie Murphy, opened his mouth. Norbit, the title character whom Murphy plays, is a pathetic wimp who looks like the illegitimate love child of Steve Urkel from Family Matters, and talks with an annoying whiny lisp that makes him sound like no human being I've ever encountered. Not only is he the character we're supposed to be rooting for, but he also acts as the film's Narrator, telling the story in that obnoxious voice of his that makes us hate him even before he steps before the camera. Did I mention that his wife is an abusive fat slob (also played by Murphy), he hangs out with pimps and prostitutes, and he has the self esteem of a worm? Norbit stumbles right out of the gate, thanks to its impossible to like lead character, and only goes downhill from there until it reaches some sort of strange level where you can't believe what you're seeing, but it's up there on the screen, and all you can do is just shake your head and drop your jaw.

Norbit's story begins when he is dropped off by his parents at a Chinese restaurant/orphanage run by the verbally abusive whaling fanatic, Mr. Wong (once again, Eddie Murphy). Norbit spends the rest of his childhood at the orphanage, with a pretty young girl named Kate being his only friend. When Kate is adopted, he's alone once again, until he happens to meet an obese and violent girl named Rasputia, who promises to protect Norbit from bullies as long as he does whatever she says and keeps his mouth shut. The years pass, and Norbit winds up marrying Rasputia, even though she frequently degrades him and is the size of a house by this point. Poor Norbit just can't seem to build the courage to escape from his abusive relationship, not even when he catches his wife in bed with her sex-crazed dance instructor (Marlon Wayans). Things start to look up when his childhood sweetheart, Kate (Thandie Newton from The Pursuit of Happyness), comes back to town to buy the orphanage they grew up in. Sparks are rekindled between the two, but of course, Kate is set to be married to a slimy jerk named Deion Hughes (Cuba Gooding, Jr) who has secret plans to steal all of her money and convert the orphanage into a strip club. This being an Idiot Plot movie, Kate is too stupid to realize that Norbit is the right guy for her, while Norbit is afraid that Rasputia will hurt Kate if she finds out about his true feelings for her.

To watch Norbit is a lot like watching the most horrific tragedy unfolding right before you, yet you are powerless to stop it. You must simply watch the twisted and tragic aftermath, and sit there in stunned silence. The movie wastes no second to offend, whether it be the intelligence of its audience, or entire races. To say that Norbit is racist is putting it mildly. This is literally a modern day Minstrel Show where negative black and ethnic stereotypes are paraded in front of our eyes, and we are expected to laugh at them. All of the black characters (except for the impossibly sweet and bland Kate) are violent, ill-mannered, sex-starved, buffoons who have jobs as gangsters, criminals, pimps, and prostitutes. When Norbit is the most positive portrayal of a black person in your movie, and he is a spineless dork who is so meek he becomes annoying, that should raise more than a couple of red flags. But it's not just the blacks who get screwed over. The movie also takes some offensively dated jabs at Asians, Italians, and whites. What else needs to be said about this movie's sense of humor when two of its protagonists are a pair of pimps (played by Eddie Griffin and Katt Williams) who go by the names of "Pope Sweet Jesus" and "Lord Have Mercy"? Or how about the scene where some Italians get in a street fight, and while their opponent brandishes a crowbar, they brandish wooden pizza cutting boards? Or how about the fact that besides Kate and Rasputia, almost all of the women in this movie are prostitutes who work for the pimp characters? The only way this movie could be more offensive is if it featured a cameo by Michael Richards, giving a lengthy rant littered with the n-word. (For all I know, it does. After all, I didn't stick around to see if there was another scene after the end credits were done.) When the humor isn't hitting us over the head with offensive stereotypes, it's offending us with it's one-joke mentality (For those wondering, the joke is that Norbit's wife is very very fat.), and its lack of anything remotely resembling a script that wasn't hammered out in a single weekend. The fact that four screenwriters, including Eddie Murphy himself, are credited to this mess is baffling.

Now, I have long admired Eddie Murphy as a character comic. He has been able to astound me in the past with his ability to completely disappear into a character, both thanks to make up, and his performance itself. Some of his past attempts at playing multiple characters include The Nutty Professor films (where he not only played the main character, but also his entire family), and the wonderful Coming to America, where he memorably played an old white Jewish man who hung out at a local barber shop. Here, Murphy still displays his ability to disappear into a completely different kind of role than he usually plays, but the laughs and the energy are not there. Despite the credible make up job by legendary special effects artist, Rick Baker, we never truly buy into the illusion. We're simply seeing Murphy playing an obese woman, Murphy playing an annoying nerd, and Murphy playing an old Chinese man. The appearance is there, but not the heart. It's like watching someone dressed in a really good Halloween costume, and that's it. The humor is far too forced and dated to think of anything funny for Murphy to do with any of his characters. His Rasputia simply eats, screams a lot, and goes on violent mood swings where she plows through people like a semi truck, abuses people, and chases down dogs with her car so she can run them over. (In a later scene, the injured dog gains the ability to actually talk to Norbit for reasons unexplained by the movie, and tells him to "kill the bitch" for what she did to him.) Norbit is meek to the point that we just want to strangle the poor dope, and couldn't care less who he winds up with at the end. And Mr. Wong is about as authentic of a performance as Mickey Rooney's infamous portrayal of an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Instead of laughing, we're simply left wondering why we're supposed to be laughing. To say that the rest of the cast doesn't even bother to make an impression would be pointless. This is Murphy's movie all the way, and we're forced to watch him carry the entire movie with these three unlikeable roles.
Last year, Norbit's director, Brian Robbins, brought us the abysmal Shaggy Dog remake. I really didn't think it was possible for him to make a film that was even worse, but here I am saying it. This is not just a prime contender for the worst film of 2007, this is one of the worst films I've ever seen period. This ranks right down there with Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 in terms of "what where they thinking" mentality. The movie is offensive, it is crude, it is putrid, and if there is a worse movie on the way this year, I don't want to see it. A lot of people seem to be questioning Murphy's decision to release this movie right around the time he's been nominated for an Oscar for his performance in Dreamgirls. I say, Murphy just likes to plan ahead. It's customary for some actors to do an astonishingly bad movie after winning or being nominated for a prestigious award. I mean, just look at the career of Murphy's co-star, Cuba Gooding Jr, after he won his award for Jerry Maguire. At least Murphy was smart enough to get his awful movie out of the way before the ceremony even had time to start. That's the best thing I can say about Norbit.

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