Lord save me from the Idiot Plot! It's bad enough when it infests romantic comedies and thrillers, but when it starts to invade previously strong super hero film franchises, that's where I start getting annoyed. Spider-Man 3 is an overblown, overstuffed, joyless fiasco that is riddled with plot holes and character motivations and actions that make no sense at all. Series director Sam Raimi (A Simple Plan) seems to have lost the confidence that guided the previous two films, and has given us an overly juvenile romantic melodrama broken up by over the top action sequences that are so soulless we often feel like we're watching a video game. Maybe Spider-Man 2 set the bar too high. All I know is that Spider-Man 3 is the mess I feared the original movie would turn out to be back in 2002.

Young hero Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is finally starting to enjoy some success as his alter ego, Spider-Man. His heroic actions have won him the respect of the local community, and they're now going so far as to hold lavish celebrations in his honor. We can tell early on that success is starting to go to Parker's head, and so can his girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst). She's feeling left out, since Spider-Man pretty much dominates his life, and he doesn't seem as supportive as he should be when she gets depressed that her stage acting career isn't going the way she hoped it would. Peter has plans to propose to Mary Jane, but there's never the opportunity to do so, and something keeps on getting in the way. It certainly doesn't help that there's a certain pretty young aspiring model named Gwen Stacy (Bryce Dallas Howard), who seems to be attracted to both of Peter's identities. (She falls for Spider-Man after he saves her life.) Because the movie is infected by the curse of the Idiot Plot, Peter never says anything, and keeps on letting things escalate out of his control. He even intentionally makes things worse by sharing a kiss with Gwen in public in front of Mary Jane. Why, you ask, would he do this when he's planning to propose to M.J.? Because if he didn't, there wouldn't be any reason for turmoil in the relationship. His actions answer solely to the plot.

For most of Spider-Man 3's running time, this moronic romantic melodrama takes center stage. I find this curious, since this time around, the web slinger has three different villains to contend with. Peter's former best friend, Harry Osborn (James Franco), still is holding a grudge against him and wants to see him dead for the supposed death of his father in the original movie. Harry has decided to follow in his crazy villain dad's footsteps, and is now zooming around the city as the New Goblin, hell-bent on killing Peter. There's also a convict on the run by the name of Flint Marko (Thomas Hayden Church) who we discover was the true person responsible for the death of Uncle Ben in the original movie. While on the run from the cops, Flint unknowingly goes running into a massive science experiment and in the process gets his molecules rearranged and mixed with sand particles so that he can literally change his form into that of a hulking monster made of sand that kind of looks like King Kong crossed with kitty litter. But, of course, he's not all bad since he's only robbing banks and killing people because he wants to save the life of his terminally ill daughter who really has nothing to do with the movie, and exists simply as a plot device. Oh, did I forget to mention there's also a black blob-like substance from outer space that recently crashed nearby the city? This is tied into our third villain, Eddie Brock (Topher Grace). He's a new freelance photographer at Parker's day job at the Daily Bugle, and he's vying for a permanent position. When Parker humiliates him on the job, that's reason enough to drive the guy psycho. When he comes into contact with the alien substance, he's transformed into a black Spider-Man like monstrosity called Venom, who solely acts as a special effect for the film's climactic action sequence. But, before the alien substance takes control of Brock, it briefly takes control of Peter himself, and turns him into an aggressive jerk who likes to push people around and stage out of the blue dance/musical numbers in jazz clubs.

Yes, that's right, I said a dance/musical number. Spider-Man 3 is so stuffed with plot, characters, and filler material that the movie can barely contain it all within its nearly two and a half hour length. Plot points and characters are introduced and dropped seemingly at whim. The movie is a constant revolving door as characters we want to care about walk in and out constantly. A good example is the character of Gwen Stacy, who is introduced as a possible romantic interest for Peter, only to have her literally fizzle out and disappear from the story without hardly a word being said. She exists simply to move her part of the plot along, and once the movie finds her unnecessary, she falls off the face of the Earth. What made the previous Spider-Man films work is that they were much more intimate affairs. We were drawn into Peter's world, got to know about his feelings and doubts, and they mainly centered on a small group of characters. Everything also managed to come together in the end. This time around, there's too many characters and too many storylines vying for our attention. Stories that should be important, such as Harry Osborn developing short-term memory loss after he hits his head during a battle with Peter, are largely ignored or not given as much attention as they should be. The drama that should build from the story never does, because the movie keeps on distracting itself time and time again. We eventually start to feel like we're being toyed with, and wonder why we should even care. Even long-standing memorable supporting characters are generally shafted, and seem to exist only because they were in the other movies. Peter's loving Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) pops up just long enough to spew out some Yoda-like fortune cookie advice to him in one or two scenes, and the comical blustering windbag boss as the Daily Bugle, J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons), is reduced to a mere forgettable cameo.

The action sequences have largely lost the personal touch that was found in the previous films as well. We are no longer watching characters we have come to be interested in doing battle, but merely a multi million dollar special effects reel. Yes, it's very well done and it's impressive to watch at times, but there is nothing there other than the CG. That's because the villains are the most forgettable bunch to ever grace a Spider-Man film. Flint Marko initially seems intriguing and a somewhat tortured villain, but as soon as he gets in that lab accident, he stops being human and spends most of the movie as a towering CG sand monster who rips through the city. We never get a chance to truly know him, since he completely disappears for a large chunk of the film, only to come back for the climactic showdown as the Stay Puff Sandman. Eddie Brock/Venom comes across even worse, as we never get a truly successful story for him, or a reason why he should even be there in the first place. He's simply there because Venom is a popular character with the comic fans. His role could have been filled by any other major villain in the Spider-Man continuity, and it'd make no change to the film itself. The movie hints at a number of possible reasons for Brock to hate Peter/Spider-Man, but never elaborates on them. Like everything else, it is barely touched upon and comes and goes whenever the screenplay sees fit. Because of this, both Thomas Hayden Church and Topher Grace are forced to deliver disappointing performances. They are both overcome by the special effects representing their characters, instead of letting their characters grow.

It's not just the new characters who suffer and largely seem unimportant. Even Peter Parker and Mary Jane don't seem to be quite as interesting as they used to be. Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst are good sports and slip back into their roles with ease, but there's nothing there for them to base their performance on. Their motivations and decisions in their relationship are murky at best, and seem to be motivated more by plot than common sense. The movie tries to have some fun by having Maguire showing a different side of the Parker character when he's under the influence of the alien substance, but it never quite works, and seems to exist solely to kill some time with music montages, cheap laughs, and that previously mentioned dance number at a jazz club that seems quite pointless. The movie is supposed to be about Parker's internal struggle with his responsibilities to the people of the city as its protector, and to the people he loves personally. This could have made for some good drama, but the screenplay by Sam and Ivan Raimi, along with Spider-Man 2 screenwriter Alvin Sargent, handles it in a heavy handed and overly melodramatic way. There are many moments when the drama more resembles a bad prime time teen soap opera, and I personally found it hard to take it seriously. Even if it were written intelligently, it would still get lost amongst the chaos of the numerous other plots that keep on elbowing it out of the way and fighting for our attention.
I'm not so delusional as to think this review will have any affect on the film's box office. Spider-Man 3 is certain to make a killing this weekend, and will probably go on to produce some big numbers. The question is, like all summer blockbusters, how will it be remembered? After all, Independence Day was the big winner a little over 10 years ago, and do you really see a lot of people looking fondly back on that movie? When all the hype, fast food promotions, and fanfare go away, you're forced to see the movie for what it really is. Spider-Man 3 has a lot of plots and special effects trying their hardest to prevent us from seeing just how hollow it really is at its center. The future of the franchise is currently in question, as many of the main cast do not seem to be interested in doing a fourth film. If this is the direction the series is taking, I can't say I blame them.

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