Even though the movie came out in 1993, I finally understand just what a dead-on parody Hot Shots: Part Deux was of the 80s/early 90s action formula. One scene in particular from that movie came to my mind while watching Sylvester Stallone's Rambo. It was a scene where Charlie Sheen's character was blowing away countless bad guys in over the top, gratuitously violent fashion. As the killing continued, a score counter appeared at the bottom of the screen, keeping track of the bodies falling. As the numbers climbed, we were informed just how violent the scene had become via subtitles. ("Bloodier than Robocop. Bloodier than Total Recall...") This movie has an action sequence that is eerily similar to it near the end, with Stallone wiping out thousands of extras for about 10 minutes non-stop. The only difference is Stallone isn't playing it for laughs. The thing is, if it included that body count indicator at the bottom of the screen, it'd be just as ridiculous as the scene from the parody.

Rambo is obviously Stallone's attempt to revive his other most iconic character, after successfully reviving Rocky Balboa back in 2006 to surprisingly warm reviews and strong box office. Much like Balboa, this movie will most likely play big to the fans who have stuck with the character over the years. I have to give the man credit where it is due. The guy knows how to speak to his fanbase, give them what they want, and obviously cares about these characters who cemented his career. I also have to give him credit for being in amazing physical shape when you consider he's 61-years-old. That being said, there is very little here to entertain unless you have been following the character, or still hold a fondness for cheesy 80s action films. There were moments in Rambo that made me smile and admire the film, but before it got to that point, I had to sit through a lot of meandering build up of the paper-thin plot. There's just too long of a wait before Stallone and the movie start to give us what we want.

It's been 20 years since John Rambo's last adventure, and as the film opens, we find he's taken up residence in Thailand working somewhat as a man for hire, mainly specializing in transporting people up and down the river on his boat for a price. A group of Christian aid workers approach him, wishing to use his boat to take them to war-torn Burma. Rambo flat out denies them initially, saying the area is too dangerous, but apparently he just can't say no to a pretty face. The sole woman in the group, Sarah (Julie Benz from TV's Dexter) eventually convinces him to take the job. John Rambo does his job, dropping them off at the border, and a few days later, he is approached with the news that the entire Christian aid group was captured when violent terrorists invaded the village they were visiting. Although he has been trying to avoid war, Rambo knows that it is forever a part of him, and joins up with a band of mercenaries who are sent into Burmese territory to rescue Sarah and the others who were captured.

Stallone co-wrote and directed this film, and as soon as the studio logos fade, he makes his intentions known. We see some archival news clips of the war terrors in Burma, followed by a staged sequence where a group of poor villagers are forced to partake in a deadly game of chance. He seems to be trying to take a stand against the violent atrocities, by showing them to us first hand and in graphic detail. That's all well and good, but we know that this is Rambo, and we're not exactly here to be educated on world events. The first time Stallone stepped on the screen as Rambo, I smiled. He still had that same glare, the same imposing stature, the same sense of sheer power. It doesn't matter if the actor playing him is pushing 60, John Rambo himself is timeless, and Stallone proves that fact almost immediately. I settled in my seat, and started to wait for the fun to begin. If only I knew how long I would have to wait. For his most recent outing, Stallone has the character spending too much time staring at people people he doesn't like and walking through jungles, than doing what he's supposed to be doing - Being the granddaddy of all badasses. Oh, we get to see some fleeting moments of it, like when he takes out a small band of pirates who threaten the Christian aid workers while he's taking them to Burma. But, the action is over so quickly and edited so rapidly, it almost comes across as a blink and you'll miss it moment. The true carnage does not really begin until the last half hour or so. The rest of the time is devoted to the bad guys torturing the aid workers, raping women, and killing children. I don't want to see that, I want to see Rambo in his glory! Why does the movie take so long?

If the movie kills too much time before giving us what we want, is it worth the wait? Well, gorehounds will certainly be appeased. Rambo once again makes us question where an R-rating ends and NC-17 begins with graphic depictions of decapitations, rape, murder, vivisections, and just about any form of violence with a gun or blunt object you can think of. The climactic violent showdown made me think two things. The first was I'm glad this movie wasn't filmed in 3D, given the amount of times we see exploding blood and limbs flying toward the camera. The second was that they gave the title There Will Be Blood to the wrong movie. Of course, the movie has long since contradicted itself by this point. The movie starts out by using its violence to shock and disgust, and by the end, we're supposed to be cheering, because it's Rambo doing the violence, not the bad guys. Makes you wonder why the movie tried to make any sort of a statement to begin with if it's just going to shoot itself in the foot. Why can't we just have a fun, dumb movie? The screenplay gives us plenty of dumb, but is light on the fun. I wasn't exactly expecting deep characterizations walking into this movie, but these people went below even my expectations. The people Rambo is trying to rescue are laughably thin, and barely have any dialogue to start with. As much as Stallone seems to be trying to make us care about the situation in Burma, it's hard when he keeps on focusing on his character walking through a jungle with some mercenaries, instead of his intended topic. We see the atrocities, but don't see anything behind them.

I think in the end, Stallone's intentions were confused. He obviously wanted to send a big love letter to his long-time fans, but at the same time, he wanted to try to do a sort of message movie. The two styles do not mix, and Rambo ends up being a lesser movie because of it. There's really nothing to get excited about here, unless you really have been one of the people waiting 20 years for a sequel. If you have been, just the sight of seeing the character on the big screen again is probably worth the ticket price. Anyone else can and should find something better to do with their time. Rambo may be timeless, but the movie that shares his name most likely will not be.

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