I hated Bride Wars. I'm sorry if I'm coming on too strong for an opening, but I really hated Bride Wars. Hated the fact that it puts two bright and charismatic young actresses, namely Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, and sticks them with two shrieking, lamebrained characters that both are too good to be playing at this point in their careers. And then, just to add insult to injury, it sticks these unlikable characters into the Idiot Plot from Hell, and asks us to care about them. I haven't hated a romantic comedy this much since Because I Said So.

The obvious question here is why? Why would these actresses agree to do this movie, and why would one of them (Kate Hudson) go so far as to even produce it? Were they overcome with a brief fling with insanity? Was it because it offered them an excuse to be silly on camera and get paid for it? So many possible answers, but none of them satisfy me after seeing them throwing their talent away on this junk. Anne Hathaway is one of the more beautiful young actresses working in films today. I've liked her in just about everything I've seen her in, and her performance in Rachel Getting Married is generating Oscar buzz. What she's doing here, I have no idea. As for Kate Hudson, well, I'm looking at some of her recent film credits on the IMDB, and this movie does seem to fit in with her recent work in My Best Friend's Girl and You, Me, and Dupree. But I know she can do better than this.

Okay, have to try to stay focused here and talk about the movie. Hathaway and Hudson play Emma and Liv, respectively. They've been best friends since childhood, and both have shared a dream of being married at the historic Plaza Hotel in June. They both get surprise proposals by their boyfriends, and immediately head off to meet with the best Wedding Planner in New York, Marion St. Claire (Candice Bergen), who also serves as the film's Narrator. A mix up occurs with both of the girls' weddings and receptions being scheduled at the same time, and there's no way to reschedule, since the Plaza in June is supposedly booked solid for the next three years. Not wanting to give up their dream weddings, the girls turn against each other and try to sabotage the other's preparations. Liv ruins Emma's spray tanning session, causing her skin to appear as orange as an Oompa Loompa, so Emma retaliates by sabotaging Liv's hair coloring. Emma upstages Liv at her own bachelorette party, so Liv spreads pregnancy rumors about Emma.

And where are the husbands-to-be in all this? They're curiously absent from most of the movie, turning them into non-entities. When they do appear, they seem to be exasperated at the behavior of the women, and at a loss of how to fix this situation. Of course, anyone with half a brain in real life could avoid this whole messy situation with just some simple logic, and not have to resort to the childish pranks that Liv and Emma do. But then, there wouldn't be a movie, and Bride Wars knows it. Director Gary Winick (Charlotte's Web) and his team of screenwriters (believe it or not, it took three different people to write this) constantly force the characters to make the most boneheaded decisions in order to drag the situation out to feature length. It also never hits its own targets hard enough. The black comedy elements of revenge are tame, which is not surprising given the film's PG-rating. The movie also hints at some ripe parody elements, poking fun at the industry of wedding planning, but it never goes far enough. It's content to coast along at the level of a moronic TV sitcom.

The movie is simple minded at just about every level. It doesn't even go into any detail as to how either of these women were able to plan and pay for a lavish wedding that based on appearances, would go well into 5-digit territory in terms of price. Add to this the fact that their boyfriends propose to them in March, and everything's been settled and arranged three months later. I'd be able to overlook this if the screenplay showed some intelligence in its characters or dialogue, but there's nothing here that shows any real thought went into this. All of the female characters are written as bossy, drunk, stupid, or bitchy, while the men are annoyingly passive and slip into the background. The fact that there are three male leads in this movie makes it immediately obvious that one of the women is walking to the church with the wrong man on her arm. This makes the ending blatantly predictable to anyone half-awake in the audience while watching it.

Bride Wars clocks in at 90 minutes, but the trailer hints that it was once even longer, as there are a number of scenes and bits of dialogue in the trailer that are not in the final film. I can only imagine what this movie was like before it got cut down. This is an obnoxious piece of female escapism that is just as dreary as the winter landscape I'm looking at outside my window as I write this. I know it's January and it's easy to get bored, but I highly advise you rent a movie or watch one on TV before you consider this as an entertainment option. With the big holiday movies still in theaters, and smaller films slowly getting wider releases, there's no excuse to see Bride Wars.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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