You don't smile a little when the villain in a horror movie pulls off a really impressive kill. You do not have childhood memories of sneaking downstairs after your parents went to sleep to catch a late night slasher movie on TV. You look back at the Friday the 13th films with disgust, because gosh darn it, there just wasn't enough of a plot for you. If you fall into one of these categories, My Bloody Valentine 3D is not for you. I'm recommending this movie, but only to certain individuals. You probably already know who you are.

As for me, this movie had me grinning like an idiot beginning to end. It's an unapologetic throwback to the "classic" slashers of the 80s. Back in the day when you didn't have a movie unless you had at least some inventive kills, and at least one scene where a sexy blonde (preferably undressed or wearing as little as possible) wandered into danger, little realizing the killer was behind her the entire time. Yes, this is a remake (the original My Bloody Valentine came out in 1981), but it's the rare one that works. It respects the source material (unlike last year's abysmal Prom Night), it's not watered down to cater to preteens (once again, 2008's Prom Night), and it's just plain fun no matter what format you see it in. Yes, despite the "3D" in the title, many theaters are forced to show this film in standard 2D, due to the fact that theaters have been slow to catch on and update to digital 3D technology. While 3D is obviously the preferable way to watch this film, this is not a movie built entirely around gimmicks. It's just an old fashioned and fun "body count movie" that's better made than the norm.

The opening moments of the movie race us through the background story. The sleepy, backwater mining community of Harmony had a brush with tragedy when a mine collapsed due to an accident caused by young miner named Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles). The only miner to survive was Harry Warden (Richard John Walters), who went crazy and murdered the other surviving and trapped miners before he was rescued. He fell into a coma, but woke up one year later on Valentine's Day, where he went on a bloody rampage throughout the hospital and the town itself. His rage led him back to the old mine, where some teens were having a party. Tom was there that night, which probably wasn't the brightest of ideas considering his history with it, along with his girlfriend Sarah (Jaime King) and best friend Axel (Kerr Smith). Harry showed up, murdered some of Tom's friends, and was eventually brought down for good by the local authorities. Since that night, Tom decided to skip town, not telling anyone where he was going.

Ten years later, Tom has returned to Harmony to close down the mine he inherited when his father died. Because of his past with the accident, and the fact he's shutting it down, the locals aren't too happy to see him. He tries to reunite with Sarah, only to discover she has since married Axel and even has a child with him. As Tom tries to pick up the scattered pieces of his life, someone else is hacking the townspeople into pieces and scattering them all over town. A person wearing the same mining suit and gas mask that Harry Warden wore during his Valentine rampage is starting a new reign of terror. The killer uses a pick axe to disembowel his victims, rip out their hearts, then mail it to the police in Valentine candy boxes. Has Harry somehow come back from the dead on the 10 year anniversary of his dirty deed, or is it a copycat killer? The mystery isn't too hard to follow, and is filled with wall-to-wall red herrings, but does just enough to keep us guessing.

No one will ever mistake My Bloody Valentine 3D for art. The performances are often stiff, the characters written haphazardly and thinly developed, and the whole plot is an excuse to throw globs of gore at the screen. If you watch it in the intended 3D, you'll be ducking in your seat as blood, human organs, tree branches, pick axes, and massive explosions seemingly leap off the screen. There's no denying the kind of movie it is, and there's also no denying that director Patrick Lussier (Dracula 2000) has put a surprising amount of skill into the grisly tale. The gore is shocking, but never gratuitous. Just enough to give us a jolt. And while the movie never truly terrifies, there are a handful of effectively tense scenes, such as when Sarah is pursued by the killer in the grocery store where she works. It also generates the perfect tone of mindless mayhem and goofy fun that's bound to appeal to the midnight audiences that will flock to this. If there is no denying what kind of movie it is, there's also no denying that what it does it does well.

That's why I'm recommending this. Yes, there are much better movies out there, but honestly this is some of the most fun I've had at a horror movie in a while. I loved that the screenplay by Todd Farmer (Jason X) and Zane Smith makes no apologies and doesn't even try to pretend to be a dumb slasher in the tradition of the best of 'em. They also know how to space out the kills and the tension. There's plenty of stretches of quiet moments where no one is being hunted or ripped up with a pick axe, which kind of makes the appearances of the miner all the more effective, since the movie knows not to overuse him. This is important, as if the killer made too many appearances, he'd start to become boring or border on self-parody. The love triangle between the three leads makes up a majority of the film when the killer isn't around, and while it's not exactly deep enough to leave us on the edge of our seats, it does add just a little bit of a human touch to the goofiness of the movie itself.

I suppose little else needs to be said. You already know wether or not My Bloody Valentine 3D is for you. Some movies speak to a specific audience, and this is one of them. Sometimes, just knowing how to speak the language is all a movie needs to win me over. The movie even ends on the right note, with an atmospheric and creepy trip down the tunnels of the mine while the end credits roll. Naturally, it all leads to a scene after the credits that hint at a sequel. I wouldn't have it any other way.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

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