Having not been a regular viewer of the Disney Channel in about 15 years, and having no access to the opinions of preteen girls, I knew very little walking into Hannah Montana: The Movie. I did have my expectations, however, and for better or worse, the movie met them. It's gentle, it's inoffensive, and it's about as squeaky clean as a movie can get these days. But boy, is it ever bland and tedious. This is a movie designed strictly for the show's young fans. The only adults who will get anything out of it are those who don't care what they're watching, just as long as it has a happy ending.

Despite having never seen a single episode of the show, I have a feeling that the movie is more or less an extended version of one, as it often feels like a made for TV movie that's been blown up on the screen. Just like on the series, the movie deals with the double life of Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus), who is an ordinary teenage girl at school, but is also secretly the most successful young pop singer in the world, Hannah Montana. There's a certain Clark Kent/Superman thing going on, as her "Hannah" disguise consists of nothing but her wearing flashier clothes and a blonde wig. And no, the movie never addresses why no one can tell that Miley and Hannah are one and the same. Her family, her best friend at school Lilly (Emily Osment), and her publicist Vita (Vanessa Williams) are the only ones aware of her double life, and try their hardest to keep it hidden from the public and nosey tabloid journalists, like the one who's always following her around in this movie (Peter Gunn), and exists simply to be humiliated in a series of slapstick gag pieces.

As the movie opens, the fame of being Hannah is starting to go to Miley's head a little. She upstages her best friend at Lilly's own extravagant 16th birthday party (which by my estimate, must have cost in the 4 or 5-digit range) and has been caught in some bad behavior, such as when she gets in a comical slapstick catfight with Tyra Banks over a pair of designer shoes. Miley's father (Cyrus' real-life father, Billy Ray) has had enough, and decides an intervention is in order. He takes her back to her small Tennessee hometown, Crowley Corners, to celebrate Grandma Ruby's (Margo Martindale) birthday. Miley resists at first, but soon she catches the eye of a handsomely bland young cowboy named Travis Brody (Lucas Till) who works on grandma's farm. There's also some nonsense about the town being threatened by some greedy land developers who want to build a massive shopping mall in the sleepy little town, but none of it matters. All that matters is that the movie gives the series' fans what they want with plenty of bubblegum pop and country music, cute teens, and incessantly perky energy.

As for the rest of us? Well, Hannah Montana wasn't made for the rest of us. And that's too bad, because its young star does show quite a bit of potential. I wouldn't quite put Miley Cyrus in the same league as other young heavyweights like Dakota Fanning, but she does have a certain charm to her. I can't tell if she has more potential than that, because the movie itself is pretty aimless. I didn't think it was possible, but this movie makes High School Musical 3 seem pretty complex in comparison. We get some set-up to explain why Miley and her family are going to Tennessee, and then the entire middle section seems to be made up entirely out of music montages where Miley and her boyfriend ride around on horses and swing on ropes, or scenes where the characters themselves are singing. There's literally a 15 or 20 minute stretch in the film where the characters sing one song after another, and I started to feel like I was watching an extended and expensive commercial for the film's soundtrack CD (which I most likely was).

When the movie does decide to throw a bit of plot our way, it usually degenerates into slapstick gags that are set up in a way that you can't miss them coming. See that collection of celebrity plates Grandma Ruby is so proud of? How much you want to bet they're all going to be smashed and broken before the scene is over? One of Miley's cousins is introduced as a guy who keeps a pet ferret in his pocket, then disappears from the movie completely until it's time for a fancy dinner party with the town's Mayor, so the ferret can escape and wreak havoc on the guests. Miley helps out on the farm, and puts some eggs in her back pockets, almost as if she knows she's going to fall down on her butt in a matter of seconds. You see that ladder leaning up against Grandma Ruby's house, so a character can spy in on a bedroom window? Did I mention that if said character fell from said ladder, he would wind up crushing Grandma Ruby's prized garden? These are people who have never come across a mud puddle they haven't fallen in face-first.

Much like last year's High School Musical 3, Hannah Montana is unapologetically cornball and about as close to total fluff as you can get. But, to be honest, the High School kids were a lot more energetic and entertaining than anything here. While not without the occasional sweet moment (usually between Miley and her father), the whole thing is pretty bland and instantly forgettable. It's cotton candy for the brain, and not even good cotton candy to start with.

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