Robert Rodriguez's Shorts is a series of ideas in search of a movie that's big enough to hold them all. The movie's opening moments promise a sweet and quirky coming of age story that was starting to grow on me. I smiled, especially during the opening scene concerning the two kids having a staring contest that literally goes on for days, the kids staring at each other no matter what they happen to be doing. The main plot kicked in, with the young heroes finding a magical wishing rock at the end of a rainbow, and I was still in good spirits. I was interested in where the story was going. Too bad the movie wasn't. As soon as the magic rock enters the story, the movie loses control of itself, and turns into a special effects demo. As the movie started to throw out microscopic aliens, killer crocodiles, and even man-eating booger monsters at me, I wanted it to go back to the staring contest.

The story is told out of sequence, and divided into five separate chapters, which made me think of Inglourious Basterds - The last movie I thought would be on my mind while I was watching this. It's all centered around a corporate community called Black Falls, which is run by the tyrannical businessman, Mr. Black (James Spader), who has invented a handheld device that can literally do anything. Everyone who lives in the neighborhood works for Black, including the parents of our young hero, Toe Thompson (Jimmy Bennett from Orphan). Toe feels ignored by his parents (Jon Cryer and Leslie Mann), who seem constantly on the verge of being fired by their boss. He's also picked on by bullies at school, especially by a girl named Helvetica (Jolie Vanier), who is the daughter of Black. While escaping from the bully and her gang, Toe stumbles across the magic rock, which grants his wish that he had friends by sending tiny aliens down from outer space to obey his every command.

This is some magic rock. It keeps on bouncing into the hands of different people who live in Toe's neighborhood, and granting their desires to the point that the entire city is in danger. A trio of young brothers (Trevor Gagnon, Rebel Rodriguez, and Leo Howard) wish for a giant fortress, and wind up giving their baby sister super intelligence, so she can speak to them telepathically. A germophobic scientist and his son (William H. Macy and Jake Short), end up accidentally creating a giant man-eating booger when they wish their experiments would work right, and have to venture out into the germ-filled world to stop the creature. (They wear radiation suits at all times whenever they're outside their germ-proof house.) And when the rock falls into the hands of the evil Mr. Black, he wishes to be the most powerful thing in the universe, and turns into a giant robot. It doesn't take long for the wishes to start to get out of control, such as when Toe's mother wishes that her husband and her could be closer, and they wind up with their bodies fused together.

As the wishes spiral out of control, so does Shorts itself. What starts out as being charming and clever eventually becomes monotonous. That's because Rodriguez isn't interested in letting anything sink in. Here's a movie that features a little girl wishing that she could be a giant wasp so that she can battle her father, who has turned into a towering robot, and treats it as a minor event. I became frustrated. I wanted the screenplay to slow down, or at least go back to the stuff that was working during the first half hour or so. I became especially frustrated that the movie wasn't even going to follow through on most of its own ideas, and simply use them as an excuse to parade CG monsters across the screen. This is a film that talks down to kids. It throws a lot of bright colors and creatures up on the screen, and expects them to be entertained. It didn't seem to have much of an effect on the kids at my screening. They know when they're being talked down to.

The cast at least does what they can, even if many of the actors seem to be above the material they're given. I'm trying to figure out what William H. Macy saw in his role, which consists entirely of him grappling with a CG booger. Sure, it pays the bills, but is it really worth it in the end? Also underused are Cryer, Mann (who should have quit while she was ahead with Funny People), and Spader, who brings plenty of smarminess to his role as the evil Black, but never really gets a character to play, since his role is so underwritten. At least the kids are good and seem to be having fun, especially newcomer Jolie Vanier as Helvetica. She brings a lot of comic energy in her role of a bully who may actually be harboring a secret crush for her target. I'd like to see her in a better movie, one that deserves her obvious talent.
Shorts is not unwatchable, and is certainly better kid's entertainment than Aliens in the Attic, faint praise as that might be. Even so, it is tremendously disappointing. The opening half hints at something much smarter and funnier than what we get. If Rodriguez wants to do another family film, he should leave the special effects at home, and just focus on the characters. He obviously knows how to attract talented people, he should do them the favor of giving them interesting characters to play. Couldn't hurt, is all I'm saying.

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