In All About Steve, Sandra Bullock plays a deranged, mentally unhinged woman who is socially awkward, talks way too much, and shows dangerously obsessive tendencies. The problem is that this movie treats these traits as cute little quirks. We're supposed to like her character, Mary Horowitz, because she's sunny, perky, and determined. Despite the movie's best efforts, I was repulsed by Mary, and by the entire film in general now that I think about it.

It's hard to believe that professionals were involved in the making of All About Steve, because everything about it is amateurish and wrong-headed. The movie's been sitting on the studio's shelf for a while now, quietly being shuffled through various release dates, and is now being dumped onto screens over Labor Day weekend (a weekend where very few people generally see movies). The studio obviously saw a chance to strike while the iron was hot, after Bullock had a surprise hit this past summer with The Proposal. That movie was cliched and predictable as all get out, but it knew how to use Bullock and the rest of the cast, so it managed to be charming and likable. Here, Bullock is completely miscast and misused. She doesn't look right to play the character in the first place. Here is an actress in her forties, playing a woman who dresses like she's in her twenties, and acting like a hyperactive teenager with a mental disorder. It's like the filmmakers went out of their way to make her unappealing. The fact that Bullock herself is credited as head producer of the movie makes me question not only what was she thinking, but what sort of bet did she lose?

Her character starts out as a crossword puzzle writer for the local newspaper. I'd like to know how anyone could make a living simply writing crosswords, especially one that's only printed once a week. We never get to see what kind of place she can afford, as she explains it's currently being fumigated, so she's temporarily living with her parents (Beth Grant and Howard Hesseman). Mom and dad are concerned that Mary still has not found a stable relationship, so they set her up on a blind date with Steve (Bradley Cooper from The Hangover), a cameraman for a cable news network. Mary is instantly drawn to him, so much so that she throws herself upon him for sex as soon as they leave her parent's house. Steve doesn't know how to react, but sees an opportunity to lose this obsessed woman when he's called into work to cover a story. Mary, however, becomes infatuated. So infatuated, that her next crossword puzzle she submits is based entirely on Steve. This causes her to get fired, which she sees as a sign from above that she should leave everything behind, and follow Steve on the road wherever he goes and whatever story his team happens to be covering.

Mary clearly becomes obsessed, to the point that she begins stalking Steve. The movie treats this as "cute", but anyone with an adult's I.Q. will see it as being creepy. Steve actually becomes terrified by this woman who will not leave him alone. He works for a small news crew that consists of an egotistical anchorman (Thomas Haden Church), and a guy named Angus (Ken Jeong) who never really does anything during the movie. They travel cross country, covering stories like a hostage situation at an old west-themed tourist trap, a deadly tornado, and a bunch of deaf kids who fall into an abandoned mine shaft on their way to a theme park. Mary's there every step of the way, waving her arms and smiling a sunny grin that becomes more psychotic as the movie goes on. She's helped along the way by friendly truck drivers who give her lifts to Steve's next destination, and a guy who likes to carve apples into famous faces (D.J. Qualls). The movie makes a half-hearted attempt at tension when Mary arrives on the scene of the kids falling into the mine shaft to be with Steve, and ends up falling in the shaft herself. Somehow, the entire world rallies behind her, and Steve suddenly realizes what a smart and wonderful woman she is.

Does this sound like a movie you would like to see? Does this sound like a movie at all? The screenplay by Kim Barker (License to Wed) barely has any structure, and no genuine laughs to speak of. It's so far removed from reality that it tries to make us think that Mary is this little ray of quirky sunshine, when it's painfully obvious to the audience that she is clearly off her rocker. We don't laugh with her or at her, we pity her, and maybe even fear her a little. I don't remember the last time I hated a lead character in a romantic comedy so much. No one in this movie comes across as being the least bit genuine. Part of this is due to the fact that no one is allowed to act like a human being. A much bigger part, however, is due to the fact that most of the cast seem to have their minds on other things. Thomas Haden Church is a charismatic and funny actor, but you wouldn't know it here. Brandon Cooper just looks exhausted, like he's had enough long before I had. But, I still found myself sympathizing. No one, no matter how talented, could make this material work.
Just last weekend, I considered Halloween II to be the most unpleasant film experience I had in 2009. I know better now. All About Steve is simply toxic, and will do a lot of damage to a lot of bright careers. Everyone involved should have known better. I hated this movie from beginning to end, and now that it's over, I find myself hating it even more as I think back on it.

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