Most people who see Transylmania will walk out asking, "Why was this movie made"? It's a good question to be sure, and one that I can't provide the answer for. However, I have to ask something equally perplexing. Why does this movie have so much plot? Does a dumb teen sex comedy really need five or more different subplots competing for our attention?

I ask this, because directors David and Scott Hillenbrand bury their sex farce underneath so much back story, so many characters, and so many confusing subplots concerning mistaken identities and multiple personalities that you start to think that maybe they thought audiences were supposed to take this seriously. There's so much plot in this movie that there's very little time for anything sexy, and absolutely no laughs to speak of. Believe me, I counted. There were three people, including myself, in the cinema when the film started. About a half hour in, one of the people got out of their seat and never came back. The second person took this as inspiration, and walked out about twenty minutes later. During the time those people were there, no one in the theater was laughing, and I didn't laugh once after I was alone. I stayed in my seat, hoping something would come along to pick the movie up, but I was only greeted by more plot that I didn't care about.

I'll do my best to sort this movie out, but I must warn you dear reader, the movie is rapidly fading from my memory, even as I write this sentence. The story kicks off with our hero, Rusty (Oren Skoog), convincing his pack of wild, hard-partying college friends (all played by actors who look like they're pushing 30) to study abroad in Romania with him. Rusty's real motive for going is that he has a girlfriend that he met on the Internet waiting for him there. The university that they attend in Romania is actually a dark and spooky castle, which was once ruled by a famous vampire named Radu (Skoog, again). The vampire was once in love with a powerful sorceress, until her soul got trapped in an enchanted music box. One of Rusty's friends (Jennifer Lyons) ends up with the music box in her hands, after her boyfriend buys it for her from a traveling gypsy. Whenever she opens the music box, she becomes possessed by the spirit of the sorceress, and mistakes Rusty for her long-lost vampire love, which upsets the boyfriend, who can't figure out why she's acting so strange.

Meanwhile (expect to hear this word a lot), the real vampire Radu is still alive, searching for the music box, and constantly being mistaken for Rusty. He returns to his former castle home, only to discover that one of the professors teaching there (Musetta Vander) is actually a vampire hunter, although she dresses up like a leather-clad dominatrix at all times. The vampire hunter also mistakes one of Rusty's other friends as a fellow hunter, since he's been going around saying he's a vampire hunter in order to impress the girls. Meanwhile, Rusty meets his Internet girl (Irena A. Hoffman), and is disgusted to find out she's a deformed hunchback. Her father's a dwarf (David Steinberg), who also happens to be the Dean of the school. He's got a secret underground lab beneath the castle, where he's attempting to create a sexy new body for his daughter out of the pieces of dismembered students. He removes the head of one of Rusty's friends so he can get her torso, but he keeps her head alive in his lab. Some of Rusty's stoner friends try to save her, and put her body back together. Meanwhile, the vampires are plotting to perform a ceremony to bring the sorceress back to life. Meanwhile, the horny students come across a legendary sex book. Meanwhile, there's a big school dance coming up.

I think I may have left out a plot thread or two, but you get the idea. Why did the screenwriters feel that this much story was necessary in a movie where its opening gag is a guy slamming a computer notebook down on his exposed privates? Other gags include a team of horses pulling a carriage who fart every time the evil castle's name is mentioned, and a vampire in its coffin asking "Are we there yet?" over and over while it's being transported to its home. Compared to most recent teen gross-out comedies, Transylmania seems pretty tame in comparison. The characters become so wrapped up in the storytelling that they don't have time for anything else. They talk about sex, instead of actually having it. They don't even talk convincingly about it. These guys are the most forced "party animal" types ever captured on film. The cast is made entirely out of C and Z-grade talent, and don't even know how to lust after women convincingly. There's not a single authentic or passable performance to be found.

In fact, the only thing that is authentic is the last thing you'd expect in a movie like this. The filmmakers somehow managed to scrounge up enough money to actually shoot this thing on location in Romania. They even managed to have enough money left over to put a recognizable song or two on the soundtrack. Everything else about this movie screams straight to DVD, which was obviously its original destination, until Twilight rekindled Hollywood's fascination with vampires. A little fun fact: This movie is actually the third film in a series of National Lampoon comedies. The first film, Dorm Daze, actually got a limited theatrical run, while its sequel went straight to DVD. This film sat on the shelf for two years, until it was re-titled Transylmania to cash in on the recent trend. I've not seen the earlier two films, so I don't know if anyone from this movie has been in the previous entries. Since I have no intention of seeing them, the earlier adventures of the college students will have to remain a mystery to me.
I feel I must give credit where credit is due, however. Unlike a lot of recent spoof movies, Transylmania is not just a random series of pop culture references and scenes lifted from other films. It actually tries for a real plot, even if it ends up going too far in this department for a movie this intentionally silly. That being said, couldn't the filmmakers have thrown in a laugh or two? Or maybe a chuckle? These things can be golden when you're stuck watching something as hopeless as this. I felt like a drowning man, frantically clinging for some form of intelligence or wit to hold onto. It never came, and the movie's banality washed over me.

See the movie times in your area or buy the DVD at Amazon.com!

0 comments