Aside from his unusual ability to hold his breath underwater for seven minutes, young Percy Jackson (Logan Lerman) is a typical teenage boy with typical teenage problems and lifestyle. He struggles in school, thanks to his dyslexia. He has a wise-cracking black kid named Grover (Brandon T. Jackson from Tropic Thunder) to act as his best friend and sidekick. His sweet-natured mom (Catherine Keener) is married to an oafish beer-guzzling jerk, whom Percy resents as his stepdad.

One fateful day, Percy takes a school field trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. A teacher pulls Percy aside into a secluded room, and reveals herself to be a winged demonic monster, who demands to know where Zeus' lightning bolt is. Percy, obviously, does not know, and does not know what's going on. Fortunately, another teacher named Chiron (Pierce Brosnan) and loyal Grover show up, and seem to know what's going on. It also turns out that Grover is a satyr, a half man-half goat creature from Greek mythology. He has somehow managed to keep this a secret all these years, though I couldn't understand how. Not only that, Chiron is eventually revealed to be a centaur (half man-half horse), who has somehow kept his secret by posing as a cripple in a wheelchair. The two chase away the demon, and take Percy home. His mom also seems to know what's going on as well, and is forced to tell her son the truth. He is a demigod, and the son of Poseidon, god of the seas, whom she was briefly married to at one time. Sadly, we don't get to see the Honeymoon video, or even a sex tape.

We're clued in on the plot. Someone has stolen the legendary lightning bolt of Zeus (Sean Bean), and he thinks Percy is the culprit. (Why, it is never revealed.) Grover and Percy's mom drive him to a camp where he will be safe, but before they can arrive, mom is kidnapped by a Minotaur sent by Hades (Steve Coogan), who holds her captive in the Underworld. Hades thinks Percy has the lightning bolt, wants it so he can take over the realm of the gods, and won't give back his mom until Percy hands it over. The camp, it turns out, is a training ground for demigods. We find out that all the Greek Gods have sons and daughters in our modern world, and they spend their time training for battle at a camp that looks like a cross between a Renaissance Fair, and a summer camp. While there, Percy is befriended by Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario), daughter of Athena. With Annabeth and Grover's help, Percy sets out to find a way to enter the Underworld so he can save his mother, as well as figure out who framed him for stealing the lightning bolt before a war of the gods can begin.

If Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief sounds ridiculous, you don't know the half of it. This is one of the goofiest movies I've seen in a long time. At least it has the sense to not take itself entirely seriously. There are some clever touches here and there, such as the location of the entrance to Hell. Unfortunately, the movie is never as smart or as clever as it seems to think it is. Director Chris Columbus (I Love You, Beth Cooper) keeps things moving at such a rapid pace, we never get the time to get attached to Percy and his friends, or comprehend this loopy plot. The film is set with the pace of a frantic video game, with each scene leading to another battle, special effects sequence, or major action scene. As soon as Percy, Grover, and Annabeth leave the camp, they head to a stone garden in New York to do battle with the vampish Medusa (Uma Thurman). Next, they're off to a museum in Nashville, where a hydra battle awaits them. After that, they hit a casino in Vegas, where they must resist temptation. Finally, it's a pit-stop in Hell, where Hades is revealed to be an aging British hair metal rocker trapped in a loveless marriage with Persephone (Rosario Dawson), followed by a battle in the skies over New York City with the real lightning thief, and finally a brief tour of Mount Olympus.

It should all be ludicrous enough to be a fun time, but it's not. The movie doesn't explain enough, and leaves us asking too many questions. It's also suffering from a curious lack of magic and wonder. All these fantastic creatures and gods, and the kids barely get to react to them. They're just another obstacle for the heroes to overcome, like enemies in a video game. Maybe this is all to distract us that the plot makes little sense. As I mentioned earlier, it's never really explained why Zeus thinks Percy is the one responsible for stealing his lightning bolt. And despite the bolt being the object that sets the plot into motion, Percy actually spends no time whatsoever looking for it. He spends the entire span of the film searching for some magical pearls that will allow him and his friends to exit the Underworld once they find and rescue his mom. It's only during the climactic moments that he accidentally stumbles upon the bolt itself, and the true identity of the thief, whom he has spent absolutely no time searching for. Speaking of the lightning thief's identity, it's terribly anticlimactic, and nowhere near as shocking as the script would want us to believe.
Percy Jackson is based on a series of novels by Rick Riordan. The studio obviously hopes it will be successful enough to span a franchise like the Harry Potter films. The movie plays it smart, though, and doesn't leave things too open ended. After the failure of films like Eragon, The Golden Compass, and The Vampire's Assistant, it's probably a good idea that the movie takes the safe route, in case sequels never come. Even so, what we have here isn't really good enough to make me want to see more. It's impossible to take seriously, and not goofy enough to be fun. Hopefully next month's Clash of the Titans remake will give us the fun we deserve in a movie like this.

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