A Message From the Future
Oh, look. It's
my first review for this site. How... quaint.
It's a little painful
for me, going back and reading the first few. Though I was
no stranger to reviewing, having written for Craig Ledbetter's
High Tech Terror then European Trash Cinema,
but I was obviously still working my way toward a style. Some
would say I'm still working toward it.
In any case, I
don't do rewrites on the earlier pieces - unless I spot an
egregious error - because I find the contrast and evolution
interesting, if not downright telling. That in mind, here's
the first one:
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Yes, despite what I said on the Philosophy
page, here is a tape you can easily find on your New Release Shelves,
but I felt it my sworn duty to warn you.
Now, I am a big Dennis Miller fan . The RantMan speaks
disparagingly of his "vampire hooker" movie. I was a fool.
I did not believe Dennis. "Vampire hookers? Been done. But
what the heck, I'd like to see Dennis play the lead for a change."
FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR SOULS, BELIEVE HIM!
Okay, our story: An evangelist (Chris Sarendon) pays
to have an ancient super-vampire named Lilith revived and sent to
America, where he sets her up in a brothel (disguised as a mortuary)
to "kill sinners", unquote. The evangelist's assistant
(Erika Eleniak) loses her worthless punk brother (Corey Feldman)
to the vamps, and hires a down-and-out private eye (Dennis, at last)
to find him.
You can pretty much write the plot yourself from there
- it's nothing new or ground-breaking, and the Tales From the
Crypt franchise can't even blame moth-eaten comics plots from
the 50's for this. It's like someone got a Make-Your- Own-Vampire-Movie
Kit for Christmas with one Generic Plot, fits all sizes. And! If
You Order Now! A fabulous S*U*R*P*R*I*S*E* E*N*D*I*N*G*!!!!
(And if you don't see the surprise ending coming , flashing its
lights and blaring its horn the very second they set it up,
kindly turn in your membership card at the door. We don't serve
your kind in here.)
Overall, the film is well-lit and well-shot - very
professionally made. But it's just so....mediocre. Miller
is the best thing about the proceedings, and I 'm fairly confident
that the few lines I did laugh at were of Miller's own invention.
Erika Eleniak appears to be laboring under some obscure Gypsy curse
which prevents her from being in a decent movie. However,
any movie that kills Corey Feldman is okay by me, and he gets a
fairly decent send-off. A lot of gore, most of it very quick, with
very little impact, because you just don't care about any of this.
Aword of advice: rent the movie I kept flashing on
while watching this treacle: From
Dusk 'Till Dawn, about which we will hear more some day.
You won't regret it. Like you will after wasting your hard-earned
video rental on Bordello of Blood.
